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A 9-Step Guide To Getting Your Body Back

Losing your body can be scary and upsetting. Here's how to get it back again.

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Losing your body is a traumatic experience, but it is not uncommon.

You may have read about bodies being lost — to pregnancy, age, a bag of French fries, etc. Bodies are timid and easily frightened. Whatever might have caused yours to escape, do not panic. There are ways to bring your body back home.

1. Breathe. Try to stay calm. Think like your body. If you were your body, where would you go? What is the most likely escape route for your body?

2. Make sure your body is not in the house. Bodies are notorious for hiding in small and hard-to-reach places. Before you freak out, do a thorough search of your house. Check the drawers and look underneath your bed. Crouch low to check below porches. But don't forget to look up, too — check tree branches and power lines. Remember that the older your body is, the less likely it is to hide in such extreme places.

3. Once you know your body is lost, don't waste any time. Head outside and check the area surrounding your house. Bodies travel slowly and are likely to still be close by. You might want to bring a flashlight. Bodies also react to enticing smells, so try walking around the neighborhood with a hot tray of bacon.

4. Leave your front door open. Your body may simply come home after awhile. Make sure it can access the house when it does. Leave your body's favorite food or article of clothing by the door as bait.

5. Ask your neighbors to help you search. Knock on their front doors and ask if you can check their yards for your body. If you have a picture of your body on your phone, show it to them and ask them to keep an eye out. If you don't have a photo, describe your body to them. This might be uncomfortable for you, but it will increase the chances of your body's safe return. This is no time to be shy.

6. Call out for your body. Don't assume your body will respond to your voice as it usually does — this may take some time. A lost body is usually a terrified body. Your body may not want to leave its hiding spot, even for you. Get low to the ground and whisper, "Booooooooody! Booooooooooooooody!" Your body may also respond to shorter, staccato-like whispers: "BOdy! BOdy! BOdy!"

7. If all else fails, leave a humane trap by your door overnight. Be prepared: you may trap a body that's not yours. If this happens, call the police and say, "I have a body here that I trapped and I don't want it."

8. Distribute posters in your neighborhood. Choose a large, color, close-up picture of your body. Ideally, this should be a picture of your body standing fully upright. The more detailed the photo, the better.

9. Persevere! Lost bodies sometimes return weeks or months later. Keep looking. Keep putting out bait. Put up a "Still Lost!" header. Never, ever, give up the search for your body.

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