1.
when i was 7 i had a crush on a girl in my class & didnt know how to deal w it so I wrote her a letter that just said "get out of my school"
2.
Dating tip: Women love compliments, so tell her "Your face looks like a compliment"
3.
✌️
4.
DATE: do u really need that ME: [struggling to force legs in high chair] oh right like im just gonna sit where I could fall over any minute
5.
If he promises you the moon, accept. The moon would be a very valuable piece of property to own and could be a source of great power for you
6.
Do u hear that music? "ugh its my crazy ex again" How can you tell? [i come whipping around the corner in an ice cream truck] FUCK YOU GREG
7.
sorry i said ur boyfriend looks like a magician
8.
Guy: I think we should see other people. Me: *claps along to mariachi band standing next to table* haha what
9.
Date: "I thought it said you liked hiking on your profile?" Me: *just throwing up blood fucking everywhere*
10.
carbon dating??? no THANKS I would never date ANYTHING carbon-based. have you met my alien boyfriend he is a sea of light
11.
[breaks apart couple holding hands] You're free now
12.
gave a cute boy a ride in my car & all these cans of corn i had in the trunk were rolling around. i was like "idk what that is" lol i knew
13.
FIRST DATE TIP: Always get the door for them. Rip it out of its hinges, plow right through it, burn it down. Show how much you hate doors.
14.
I like my men like I like my coffee: with free wifi
15.
"so, in summation, that's why I choose to believe Men In Black is a documentary" date: are u gonna order any food or what
16.
Next dude that complains about the friendzone will be step-son zoned. I will literally marry your dad and step-son zone you. Try me.
17.
boy if I could rearrange the alphabet I wouldn't because N is right next to O already
18.
I want a sad angsty boy to fall in love with me so he can be like "stay away from me, I'm bad for you" and I can be like "aight bye"
19.
*logs into dating site* Hope i meet a nice murderer
20.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot] "I'll just wait in the car."
21.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)