13 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Let Shakespeare Name Your Future Children

Do you really want to risk naming your baby after characters who end up dead most of the time?

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I'm as much a fan of Shakespeare as the next girl (actually, probably more so *hair toss*) and I think there are some great names to be taken from his works. Like Imogen, Sebastian, or Beatrice. I'll even allow Hamlet. Although I wouldn't recommend naming your kid after Hamlet (or Ophelia, for that matter). But there are some names Shakespeare wrote down that just aren't meant for the modern world.

1. Abhorson (Measure for Measure)

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Abhorson. It's a mix of 'abhor' and 'whore-son'. This name is guaranteed to give your kid the worst middle school experience. Not to mention, do you really want to name someone after an executioner?

2. Dick (Henry VI, Part II)

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Good ol' Dick the Butcher. The only thing he's remembered for (besides a very unfortunate name) is his line about killing all the lawyers which was completely misinterpreted anyways, so maybe not the best choice.

3. Chiron (Titus Andronicus)

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I guess his brother Demetrius might as well be included in this list since they're always together, doing whatever it is evil people do (actually, it's pretty gross: see Lavinia below). Evil nature aside, if it's too hard for a substitute teacher to pronounce - it's out.

4. Clitus (Julius Caesar)

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You know, I've gotta hand it to Clitus for not helping Brutus commit suicide. But do I really need to explain why this name is going to be awkward for your son?

5. Cobweb (A Midsummer Night's Dream)

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To be fair, all of the fairies have crazy names and Cobweb isn't even the worst of them (let me direct you to Peaseblossom, Mustardseed, & Moth). But there's something so sad about Cobweb. Like her life is over before it even started.

6. Dogberry (Much Ado About Nothing)

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The name aside, Dogberry is an inept constable famous for his malapropisms, huge ego, and bumbling police force. Yes, he's hilarious. But the chances are pretty high that your future kid will be called "Dingleberry."

7. Falstaff (Henry IV, Part I and Part II; Henry V)

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It's pretty boss that a drunk like Falstaff hangs out with a prince most of the time. I mean, he also hangs out with criminals, and his name is definitely an innuendo.... but sure, it's a great name for your future delinquent!

8. Toby Belch (Twelfth Night)

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Okay fine. Sir Toby Belch. He spends most of the play drunk or hungover, and he's definitely a freeloader. Plus we all know the only Toby that people will think of is Toby Flenderson. And who wants to be a Toby?

9. Goneril (King Lear)

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Even if Goneril was the nicest girl in the world - which, to be clear, she is not - her name would still remind us of Gonnorhea. And that's a downer.

10. Lavinia (Titus Andronicus)

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Maybe Lavinia is a pretty name. Maybe. But just take a second and read about the story of this poor woman and tell me if you want your daughter to find that when she inevitably Googles her own name. (For that matter, maybe don't name her Philomela either. Same story, different name).

11. Phrynia (Timon of Athens)

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So Phrynia is a prostitute and Timon pays her a ton of gold to go out into the city and spread venereal disease. Yeah, that's right. And she gets way too into it. Don't name your daughter Phrynia.

12. Simpcox (Henry IV Part II)

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There's not really a lot to say about Simpcox except that he pretended to be blind for money. Oh, and his name is Simpcox.

13. Ursula (Much Ado About Nothing)

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I guarantee that no matter how many times she tries to explain that she's named after Shakespeare's Ursula, people are going to picture your daughter as the Disney sea witch.

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