Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 9

"I might be white, but I'm still a minority."

This week (and, well, technically last week) on The Bachelor, Nick whisks his ever-dwindling harem off to Finland. Listen. Finland looks amazing! I want to go to Finland! Anyway. Nick has to decide whether to take his three girlfriends to the Fantasy Suite™ and fulfill their fantasies of sleeping without a camera watching them for the first time in months. Vanessa is worried about her green card plan working out. Raven shows Nick she's spunky and relatable by shooting a reindeer and eating its meat. Rachel wears some very enviable footie pajamas.

Will Raven find satisfaction at the hands of a man wearing the nation's most overwhelming turtleneck? Will Vanessa choose love with Nick or pasta with Canadians? Was this maybe Andi Dorfman's first time in Brooklyn? Where the hell is Chris Harrison?

Hop into your sleigh and let's get started.

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7. Nick's Turtleneck (Last Week: Not Ranked)

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What the HELL is this? It looks like someone’s grandma crocheted a foreskin.

6. Andi (Last Week: Not Ranked)

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Andi Dorfman is back and gaaaaaaawd. Her weird-ass conversation with Nick is like a terrible, un-sexy porno. They are both such bad actors. Neither of them really say anything that sounds like something actual humans would ever say. What was the point of this conversation? Were we actually supposed to believe that Andi was coming over to try to win Nick back? Nick says "It's nice to see you again." Andi says "This is definitely a whiskey conversation." Huh? They chitchat about nothing and Andi teases Nick in a way that is decidedly not playful. Andi asks Nick if he’s going to sleep with anyone in the Fantasy Suites™, and he’s like “maybe, but probably not, I don’t know, god, Mom, leave me alone.” Andi says, verbatim: “Honestly, like, you’re entitled to do what you want. You have three girls that you respect and care about, that are dating you, that you’re dating; you’ve met their families, they’ve expressed, y’know, how much they like you, or love you, like… you’re an adult, I think you have every right to get as intimate as the two of you want in each relationship. That is my FEMINIST RANT.” Alright, Andi. That is… not a feminist rant. I mean it’s not anti-feminist, exactly, but it’s barely anything-ist. It's not even a rant. Nick is like “Okay, well, gotta blast. It’s weird that your forehead doesn’t move anymore.” Andi’s like “Okay, well, pre-order my new book, everyone.” I still think these two are made for each other, but whatever.

5. Raven (Last Week: 4)

I don’t know if the Finnish air is thinner or what, but being taken so far north of Hoxie is making Raven super extra. Nick says that dating Raven is like living in a choose-your-own-adventure book, which is hilarious. “Hey Raven! Dating you is so much fun because every day is a surprise, and sometimes I’m scared that if I make one wrong move you’re going to murder me in the ghost town of Deadwood.” I think Nick is terrified of Raven. Raven and Nick decide to take advantage of the fact that they’re in beautiful, magical Finland by… playing darts! I can only dream that one day I’ll get to do something so cultured and exotic. Over dinner, Raven tells Nick that she’s nervous about their Fantasy Suite™ date because it is officially Time To Bang. Nick is like “Um, you know we - we like, don’t have to have sex. It’s literally fine.” Raven is like “NICK, I’M FRICKIN’ OUT! WE’RE GONNA BANG!” Raven then reveals that her ex-boyfriend - someone she dated for two years and never said she was in love with, which, yikes - never gave her an orgasm. Okay. Ooookay. Let’s just - I don’t even know where to start. There are like eight different think pieces I could write about this conversation. On the one hand, yes, there’s actually a fairly toxic power play that exists in many intimate relationships wherein some partners don’t care at all about their partner’s pleasure. Read about it here! This is an important thing to talk about. On the other hand, Raven seems to have a pretty skewed idea of sex and orgasms and what all those things should entail. An orgasm is not, like, a bracelet, or even a FabFitFun box. It’s not a gift that you’re obligated to present to someone else. Sure, maybe Raven’s ex was bad in bed, but it seems weird to attack him about this specific issue on TV. Plenty of women are never able to orgasm during sex. That’s very normal. Raven doesn’t seem to know this. This is why comprehensive sex education is so important!! Raven has zero understanding of her own body. Somebody tell her she’s allowed to masturbate, like, it’s fine. It’s not illegal anymore. Maybe it is in Hoxie, I don’t know. “I think it never happened with him because I didn’t trust him fully,” she explains. This is… also not how sex works. This sounds like a made-up Raven Fact™. It is very possible to have great sex with someone you don’t trust, or don’t know well, or don’t even like all that much. Has she been watching Sex and the City with all the Samantha scenes edited out? Okay. I HAVE to move on. Anyway, Raven gives Nick a very rehearsed speech about how, when she was a little girl, her dad used to pray that she would have an easy love. That is a super weird thing for a dad to pray about, but, whatever. Raven thinks that Nick is her easy love. It seems like Raven literally only likes Nick because he isn’t awful to her. She needs therapy and a sex ed night class and a DVD box set of the first season of Gossip Girl. And then - and then, and then, and then. The worst thing in the history of this entire damn show that’s been on for a billion years happens. Raven leaves Nick’s little log cabin giggling, and then there’s this abysmal montage about how she maybe had her first orgasm. She runs, she jumps, she high-fives strangers, she pets a dog, she plays with these rainbow poles, she rides an elevator with a cheeky grin, all while a terrible public domain version of “Walkin’ On Sunshine” plays in the background. And we don’t even know what happened! “Nick is really good at what he does,” explains Raven coyly. This does not sound like a woman who had a satisfying sexual experience. This sounds like a fourteen-year-old at summer camp who had a boy successfully unhook her bra for the first time. I don’t think they even had sex. Raven makes it to the final two. I am genuinely scared that if she doesn’t win, she’s going to stab Nick with a reindeer antler like a Christmasy version of that scene in Get Out.

4. Corinne (Last Week: 2)

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Oh, Corinne. It was high time for you to go home, but at least you got to go home looking fresh as hell in a gigantic fur coat. When Nick says Corinne home, she starts crying and apologizing for whatever she did wrong. Girl! Nick looks super concerned and is like “What, did you take my Dancing with the Stars slot or something?” Lots of tears from both. Corinne then has somewhat of a feminist awakening in the limo, where she says that she is DONE worshipping men and not getting anything in return. She is DONE trying to please men and is ready to start pleasing Corinne. She is DONE! I hope Raquel has cheese pasta and a Xanax waiting for her at home. “Love is pasta, love is cheese.” (Corinnethians 13:4)

3. Nick (Last Week: 7)

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For the final showdown hoedown, Nick brings his ladies to a snowy wonderland instead of a breezy tropical paradise. This is highly unusual for a Bachelor proposal location. Shouldn’t they be in Bali or something? There are reindeer, there’s a sled, there’s Nick… oh, my god. Is Nick Santa Claus? Is he the Saint Nicholas? It all makes sense now. This is why he loved Corinne’s childish antics - she reminded him of the spoiled children he brings iPads to every December! This is why he loves petite women - they remind him of his elves! It even explains his new beard. I’ve cracked the case, everyone.

2. Vanessa (Last Week: 8)

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Vanessa and Nick’s date is… hysterical? They have to put on these cornflower-blue super-shiny bathing suits and knit caps (?) and jump in cold water. Is this what people do for fun in Finland? I want to go to Finland! Post-ice, Nick and Vanessa sit in a hot tub and talk about their future, and… yikes. Vanessa wants to live in Montréal. Nick is “just… so proud to be an American.” Vanessa’s family is very traditional. Nick wants to make his own traditions. Vanessa is gainfully employed and spends her days teaching special-needs adults. Nick was maybe a software salesman two years ago and spends his days posting pictures of his swirly puppy dog face on Instagram. “It’s kind of crazy how similar we are,” says Nick. They are both white, I guess. Vanessa says that she’s not willing to compromise on her “core values,” like eating lunch with her family every Sunday. Vanessa, that’s not a core value! Core values are like “I think killing people is bad. I think families are good. I think pineapple on pizza is gross.” Basically what she’s saying is that it’s Montréal or bust. Nick says maybe he’d be willing to move for true love, but mostly he really wants to be on Dancing with the Stars. I am worried about these two.

1. Rachel (Last Week: 6)

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Oh, Rachel. You were too good for us all along. Watching this episode, I became so incredibly confused as to why they announced her Bachelorette-ship so early. If I hadn’t known she wasn’t going to win, I would have been shocked by her elimination. Like, AshLee-Frazier-from-Sean’s-season shocked. Their date - cross-country skiing and a reindeer safari! Finland! - was so natural and fun and Nick seems more at ease with Rachel than either of the other remaining two women. Rachel tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him. Nick tells her that he’s falling for her too. Rachel wears footie pajamas with little penguins on them. Nick makes Rachel eggs and then eats most of them, which is rude. Absolutely nothing goes wrong - there’s no conflict, no awkwardness, no one has to eat any reindeer meat or jump in a pile of ice chips. Maybe Nick already knew who he was going to pick and didn’t want Rachel to have to deal with the suckiness of being runner-up? I have no idea. Whatever! Rachel was too good for this fool season all along. I am so excited for her to find true love with someone who won’t eat the eggs off her plate.

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See you next Monday!