Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 4

"Abraham Lincoln took naps!"

This week on The Bachelor, Ol' Saint Nick takes his army of tiny brunettes on a trip to beautiful, exotic Waukesha, Wisconsin. Corinne gets stopped by airport security when it's revealed there is a small woman named Raquel packed in her luggage. One of the contestants literally admits to assault and battery on national television. Bella pays a body double to stand in for her so she doesn't have to keep going on her brother's stupid dates.

Why are these bitches so excited about Milwaukee? Why is Rachel, a 31 year old lawyer, competing against 23 year old "small business owners?" How many plunge necklines will Danielle L. have to wear until she finally has a nip slip? When did we stop putting rose ceremonies at the end of each episode? How can I join the Church of the Resurrection of Christen? I miss Christen.

Put on your best manure-shoveling boots and let's get started.

ABC

17. Raven (Last Week: 6)

ABC

I want you to imagine the following scenario for me. It’s a quiet Monday night in early summer, you’ve kicked your feet up, maybe you’ve got some pizza, and you’re enjoying a nice episode of ABC’s The Bachelorette. Our Bachelorette, a nice white lady, likely with ombréd hair and a Bardot dress, is on a first date with one of her suitors. He is tall, dark, and handsome; maybe he used to be a pro athlete, maybe not. We’ll never know for sure. They’re on the Romantic Evening Portion of the date, so they’re talking about their past relationships. “My last boyfriend was such a jerk,” she says, lash-extensioned eyes rolling. “He was dating all these other girls and then dumped me on the day I thought we were getting engaged.”

“Wait, are you talking about when you were on The Bachelor?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. Anyway, tell me about your last breakup.”

“Oh, that’s a bad one. I actually caught my ex-girlfriend cheating on me.”

She raises an eyebrow and pretends to take a bite of her prop food. “Go on.”

“So, my buddy calls me and tells me that she’s at a bar, making out with this other dude. I’m with my dad, and I tell him ‘She’s with another guy.’ He hands me the keys to his car and says ‘Go.’ So I got in the car and sped all the way to Little Rock. I had the key to her house. I jiggled the handle of the bedroom door and it was locked. And so I kicked it open.”

The Bachelorette swishes her sauvignon blanc a few times. “Mhm. So what did you do in that moment?”

“I threw her off the bed and I just (punches the air) whop, whop, whop.”

“So you just beat the crap out of her?”

“Yup. And I picked up her stiletto off the ground and beat her in the head with it.”

They both giggle. “Wow. I don’t know if I’m afraid or turned on right now. Will you accept this rose?”

END SCENE

Sounds p despicable, no? That is, almost verbatim (I cut out some filler words and a joke about spider monkeys), the story that Raven tells Nick on their one-on-one. Nick laughs it off like it’s a story about the time she left her American Girl Doll at the stables by accident. Because, come on! Raven is just a girl! Girls can’t beat up guys! They can do no physical or emotional harm! Assault is justified when someone is cheating! No, no, nah, nah, nope. I mean, let me say that I think there is no excuse for cheating. It’s a terrible thing to do. I’m not defending the artist formerly known as Raven’s boyfriend. However: assault is assault is assault. Domestic violence can and does affect both genders. I’m disappointed in Raven, Nick, and ABC for continuing to normalize the idea that domestic violence is squarely a men-on-women situation and the reverse is acceptable, even admirable. It’s not. What Raven did was wrong, and to suggest it was somehow okay because she’s an adorable brunette with a cute accent is antifeminist and regressive. “But Graaaaace,” you say, “Stop lecturing me! You’re supposed to be funny! Nobody takes these recaps seriously! Say something about American Girl Dolls again!” GUESS WHAT, MOTHERNUGGETS? DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NO JOKE. I’m not even going to get into the other bizarro half of Raven’s date, except to say that it is really weird that Bella (Poll: does she hate Nick?) is forced to watch her brother make out with someone when she’s supposed to be having a roller rink pizza party with her soccer friends. Give Bella her childhood back!

16. Astrid (Last Week: 4)

ABC

Who… like, why are you here, Astrid? What is her deal? I feel like we aren’t asking enough questions about Astrid. Is she actually from Germany or does she just know how to speak German? Was she maybe one of the Zoom kids? What are her hobbies? Does she eat soy? Does she have a nanny? Is she actually an escaped Von Trapp child? Stay vigilant, people.

15. Taylor (Last Week: 13)

ABC

Taylor, who is 23, is seemingly only able to talk about how immature Corinne is. Taylor. Taylor. Stop. Are we sure this girl got her masters from Johns Hopkins at 23? She tells Corinne that she’s emotionally unintelligent, which, sure - but my god, Taylor. Could you be any more condescending? She sounds like when I took AP Psych in high school and we all started trying to diagnose each other with personality disorders. In a way, it’s more immature than anything Corinne is doing. Maybe she’s compensating for her (lack of) age by trying to make it seem like education = maturity, which, let me tell you, it does not. Do you know how many white boys with degrees I know who still don’t know what conditioner is? Anyway, Taylor sucks. Like, Corinne sucks, but Taylor also sucks. I’m not excited for the fact that it appears they have a two-on-one next week because it means that they aren’t both getting sent home. #BanishThem!

14. Sarah (Last Week: 17)

ABC

Sarah finally speaks in this episode, if only to lamely attempt to confront Corinne by smiling and speaking to her like a kindergarten teacher. It does not go over well.

13. Josephine (Last Week: 14)

ABC

I keep hearing/reading about how Josephine is “the ugly weird one” but I think she is so cute and fun?? She also has the gumption to wear white jeans on a farm date, which I admire. What's going on with her friendship with Corinne? Are they actually friends or is Corinne trying to turn her into her travel-Raquel? Only time will tell.

12. Jasmine (Last Week: 7)

ABC

Did anyone else notice that at one point Jasmine was literally wearing a shirt that just said “Farmers Market” on it? Jasmine seems cool. I wish they would show her talking more instead of filling every episode with 80% Corinnisms.

11. Danielle M. (Last Week: 11)

ABC

Look at this girl, lookin’ all cute in her plaid shirt and choker. She looks like Cinderella. Danielle M. doesn’t do much in this episodes besides be cute, but sometimes that is all you need. Or so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know.

10. Nick (Last Week: 12)

ABC

Nick, Nick, Nick, N-Nick Nick Nick. We learned a lot about Nick on his faux-hometown date, including: 1. He got dumped for the first time when he was 11. 2. He once built a girl locker shelves and she dumped him the next week. 3. He maybe lost his virginity on a field. 4. His parents don’t seem to like him very much. 5. He considers a Chris Lane concert a “bucket list item.” Good! By the by: why do these hometown excursions always turn into a walking tour of high school romantic exploits? Ben Higgins did the same thing. "Oh, here's the movie theatre where I had my first kiss." Who cares?? How weird would it be if I gave my boyfriend a tour of my hometown and was like "Oh, here's the pizza place where I hugged a boy for the first time. Oh, here's the corner where a boy with a ponytail told me that he couldn't date me because he was leaving for college in ten months. Oh, here's the parking spot where I first realized I had a crush on my math teacher." How is any of that useful information?? This is not rhetorical. Do people actually do this?

9. Whitney (Last Week: 9)

ABC

Whitney, blink twice if you need help.

8. Rachel (Last Week: 2)

ABC

WHY ISN’T RACHEL GETTING MORE SCREENTIME? IS SHE NOT GOING TO BE THE BACHELORETTE AFTER ALL? I am so afraid.

7. Alexis (Last Week: 5)

ABC

God, I love Alexis. She barely appears in this episode, save for an excellent segment at the end in which she tells Nick that her two biggest fears are aliens and Nicolas Cage. Alexis has a working theory that Raven is an alien. Alexis is on the right track.

6. Vanessa (Last Week: 1)

ABC

Vanessa brings Nick a book that her students made about her. It’s very sweet and all but it feels like an inopportune moment to give it to him? Why do that on a group date? Is it supposed to be a nod to when Nick made Andi a book about their relationship? Isn’t that kind of weird? How is Andi doing, by the way? How is Chris Soules doing, for that matter?

5. Danielle L. (Last Week: 3)

ABC

Am I crazy or is Danielle L. not into Nick… at all? She laughs at every single thing he says, most of which are not at all funny. “I grew up about two miles from here.” “HAHAHAHA!” “Oh, that’s my ex girlfriend.” “HEHEHEHE!” “Do you want to decorate cookies?” “HARHARHARHAR!” I do this exact same thing when I’m hanging out with people I despise, so. Danielle L. gets a walking tour of the Outdoor Museum of Handjobs Past and a very mediocre country concert. She later talks about her parents’ divorce and how she takes marriage very seriously because she doesn’t want to get divorced. Lawd. Listen! I have divorced parents so I feel like I have some authority on this topic. Children of divorce are constantly spewing this bullshit, especially on this show. YOU GUYS. NOBODY WANTS TO GET DIVORCED. IT IS NOT JUST US. I’m sure Danielle L.’s parents, Mr. and Mrs. L, weren’t like “Oh, we’re gonna get married, but we’ll probably get divorced. It’s casual! We’re not taking it seriously!” Sometimes marriages don’t work and that’s nobody’s fault. You’re certainly not going to prevent a divorce by marrying someone you met on a reality dating show, Miss L.

4. Nick's Ex-Girlfriend (Last Week: Not Ranked)

ABC

This whole bit was so lame, but Nick's ex is a FAR better actor than either he or Danielle L.

3. Jaimi (Last Week: 8)

ABC

God, I love Jaimi. She really takes it in stride when Nick makes a bunch of jokes about “Haha, of course Jaimi is good at milking cows! Get it? Because she’s bisexual!” That makes no sense, Nick! Do you have any idea how different cow boobs are from girl boobs? When was the last time you were trying to gently squeeze milk out of the boobs of a human woman? Is Nick a baby? Anyway, Jaimi also has the single best line of the night when Corinne says “I know I’m not everyone’s favorite person,” and Jaimi very sarcastically responds “Shut up!” It’s so funny. Jaimi is so funny. Jaimi for president!

2. Corinne (Last Week: 22)

ABC

As an amuse-bouche of sorts, please watch this video.

Here are some things Corinne says in this episode:

“I don’t wanna do chores, let alone farm chores. What the fuck is a farm chore? I wouldn’t even make my nanny, Raquel, do farm chores. Raquel is better than farm chores. She works for me.”

“I need sushi.”

“When my hand is losing circulation and feels like it’s gonna fall off, I’m sorry, I’m not gonna stand there shoveling poopy. I respect you for shoveling the poopy. I do. I really, really do. It takes a lot of courage and a really, really blind sense of smell to shovel that poopy. But I had a serious hand situation, so I just couldn’t shovel the poop.”

“I’m a good person. I’m not just saying that.”

“I’m a cornhusk. You gotta peel the layers back. And then in the middle is this luxury, yellow… corn, with all these little pellets of information. And it’s juicy. Buttery. You want to get to that corn.”

“I want to be in a spa, being fed a nice taco. Preferably chicken.”

Oh, Corinne. Is Corinne a paid actor? It’s getting so hard to tell. I was first in the camp of “She’s just a ham who knows what she’s doing,” then switched to “Oh no, she’s deeply insecure and seems to have a lot of self-esteem and social issues,” and now we’re back to “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?” She appears to have a fundamental misunderstanding of the things that are happening around her and is constantly contradicting herself, like she’s living in one of those Disney Channel episodes where the brother and sister bump heads and switch bodies and can’t keep their stories straight (this certainly happened on Lizzie McGuire, but I think also on That’s So Raven and maybe Even Stevens? Fact check me). The other girls confront her for rudely skipping a rose ceremony and the pool party; she interprets this as “They’re literally mad at me for taking a nap.” She goes on a rant about how girls just wanna take naps, how it was nothing more than her being a little sleepy. Later, when talking to Kristina about this exact same issue, she snaps “I literally had a panic attack, Kristina! Are you serious right now?” Wwwwait. Was your nap a big deal or not? Was it a panic attack or a nap attack? You must decide! When she talks about her problems in the house with Nick or her few friends, she provides a completely different account than what we’ve actually seen happen. ALTERNATIVE FACTS! Listen. I’m a petty girl. Obviously, when you’re telling a story, you want yourself to come across well. I am a master at that strategy. But with Corinne it appears to be something deeper, like she genuinely has no grasp on reality. Is Corinne a Trump? Is she Tiffany Trump?

1. Kristina (Last Week: 15)

ABC

KRISTINA, LOOK AT CHU, COMING IN WEEK 4 AND MESSING UP EVERYONE’S BRACKETS! Kristina is great. She talks to Corinne in a very honest but gentle way, and doesn’t resort to being like “Oh, well, everyone thinks…” which we all know is cheap bullying. (One time, when I was working as a camp counselor, I had to explain to a 14 year old girl that telling her bunkmate “Actually, everyone in this cabin hates you” was, in fact, bullying. Being 14 is hard; these 20-something women have no excuse.) My favorite part of this conversation was when Corinne spurts “I had a panic attack, Kristina!” and Kristina just goes “I’m not stupid.” Kristina also tells Nick that she had a hard childhood (she has a thick Russian accent but is also from Kentucky, so maybe she’s one of the Romanovs? Or one of the kids from The OA who was in the bus crash? Why isn't she blind?) and that she’s worried that she’ll have to tell Nick her story in pieces since they’re only allowed 5 minutes of Nick Time™ per day. Nick tells her not to tell him about her past yet because he wants to be able to really get into it when they have some extended Nick Time™. Translation: Kristina is getting a one-on-one soon. Also, she gets the group date rose. This girl is on fire.

ABC

See you next Monday!