Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 3

"She did not know how to clean a spoon."

This week on The Bachelor, all the girls finally get to debut their carefully-coordinated athleisure outfits on a series of athleisurely dates. Nick, a boy with a type, kicks off the episode by kicking off three blondes. The Backstreet Boys inexplicably appear on a show that usually only features D-list country singers. Some of the girls have to learn a dance routine from Cats. Corinne says the words "cheese pasta" more times than I have ever heard anyone say them in my life. Apparently, there is a contestant named Dominique.

What is Corinne's nanny doing while she's off on her "journey?" Was this episode sponsored by Reddi Wip? Will Nick be crying on all of his first dates this season? Will Vanessa reaching for the dramamine prove to be a drama mine? Will Alexis' shark costume reappear at the pool party? Has Alexis seen Blackfish?

Watch this video and let's get started.

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22. Corinne (Last Week: 1)

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Ohh no. I have already become disillusioned with Corinne. That didn’t last long at all. So, at the beginning of the episode, Corinne dresses up like a less-sexy Carmen Sandiego in a trench coat and what looks like a bra from Victoria’s Secret Pink. “I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm,” says Corinne, sounding an awful lot like an alien masquerading as a human woman. Naturally, she proceeds to lie down on a giant bean bag and squirt Reddi Wip (OR WAS IT? I COULDN’T TELL BECAUSE OF THE SMALL PIECE OF RED CRAFT TAPE COVERING THE WORD “REDDI.” GOOD WORK, PROPS DEPARTMENT!) on her clavicle and Nick slurps it off. Nick basically says “I wonder how I can get away with banging Corinne without getting cyberbullied by middle-aged women on Instagram.” He can’t, it turns out, and Corinne legitimately starts crying because of this. Holy hell, girl. This is where Corinne goes from “Hahaha this is so funny because she’s just trying to be the villain!” to “Oh no, she thinks the only thing about her that matters is her sexuality and now she’s panicking because Nick is rejecting the only part of her personality that she’s been made to believe is worthwhile. Darn it, society!” Corinne then sobs herself to sleep like a baby that’s being sleep trained and MISSES THE ROSE CEREMONY. I know it wasn’t supposed to be a power move, but it kind of was?? Why hasn’t anyone ever tried this before? Moving on. Things only get worse for Corinne when she has to participate in “planned dancing” and is somehow unable to follow an extraordinarily simple Thriller-looking routine. She cries again and OH NO, Corinne is not fun to make fun of at all! She is very insecure and is too young for this show and I think her sexually aggressive behavior borders on predatory (which might be symptomatic of some deeper #issues) and she is an adult woman with a nanny - still, still, still, none of this information warrants some of the responses from the other girls. I am VERY BORED of people saying that Corinne (and other Corinne-esque ladies) are not “wife material.” Here is a quiz: are you a breathing human person who is made of organs and blood and plasma? Congratulations, you are made of wife material. Like, do I think Corinne is mature enough to get married? Nah! Do I think she should be condemned to a life of spinsterhood alone with her cheese pasta to punish her for making out with a boy in a bouncy castle? Nah! Why does she need to take so many naps? Does she have mono? I actually am a little worried about her health. I hope she gets sent home soon so Raquel can feed her lemon salad until she’s back at full-force.

21. Dominique (Last Week: Not Ranked)

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Alright. So. Here’s the thing. Dominique was literally not in my ranking last week because I thought she had been eliminated the first night. She DID NOT appear on screen last week! Right?? Am I crazy? Feel free to write a bunch of think pieces about how I likely mistook one black girl for another. I deserve it!! Unfortunately for Dominique, she does not come back with a bang in this episode. She gets upset on the Hoelympics date because Nick isn’t paying attention to her in the way that he pays attention to the other girls (that’s fair) and feels that he isn’t present when he’s with her (that’s fair), but then she proceeds to confront Nick about this in a very panicked way and is like “You’re not giving me a fair chance!” Nick is like “I literally only know four girls’ names at this point, give me a break.” Nick sends her home as she cries. It is all very unfabulous.

20. Lacey (Last Week: 12)

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Bye, girl!

19. Elizabeth (Last Week: 17)

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Bye, girl!

18. Hailey (Last Week: 19)

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Bye, girl!

17. Sarah (Last Week: 18)

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What is this girl’s deal? People seem to love her but it doesn’t seem like she has much to say? Is that the appeal?

16. Brittany (Last Week: 7)

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Brittany wears the cutest “athletic” outfit on the group date and gets no screen time. Congratulations Brittany!!

15. Kristina (Last Week: 14)

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Was Kristina in this episode?

14. Josephine (Last Week: 8)

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Was Josephine in this episode?

13. Taylor (Last Week: 4)

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Taylor is Taylor Swiftly fading into the background. Did she say or do anything of note in this episode? All I remember is that she wasn’t that good at planned dancing.

12. Nick (Last Week: 21)

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NICK. Nicholas. What are you doing? At times, Nick is so wonderful (see: his date with Vanessa) and at other times he is so slimy (see: bouncy castle) and I don't know what to make of it. Does Nick want to find lasting love with a PIB or does he want to make out with a bunch of tiny blonde undergraduates? Maybe it's both? I hope he decides soon so I can decide whether I'm going to support or ridicule him. This is getting exhausting.

11. Danielle M. (Last Week: 2)

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Danielle M. barely appears but did we SEE what this girl was wearing to that first rose ceremony? She dresses so well. I love her. I miss her. Bring her back!!

10. Christen (Last Week: 3)

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Christen was Chriminally underused in this episode, though apparently she got the group date rose last week and we just never saw it? Good for you, Christen! You go, Christen!

9. Whitney (Last Week: 15)

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Whitney: so pretty, so silent.

8. Jaimi (Last Week: 13)

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The ONLY time we hear Jaimi speak (besides the above booger comment) is when she says “I don’t want you to only think of me as the weird lesbian girl.” Thanks, ABC. Really thoughtful editing.

7. Jasmine (Last Week: 16)

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Jasmine seems cool, I think. Although - she agrees with Corinne that she wants to get a boob job, but she “also wants to have kids.” You can… you can have kids after you get a boob job, no? Am I misunderstanding where babies come from?

6. Raven (Last Week: 5)

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“I don’t think Corinne has what it takes to be Nick’s wife,” says Raven. WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO BE NICK’S WIFE? It feels like the bar is set very low, honestly. Raven needs to chill a little bit. Raven uses her time at the pool party to trash Corinne, a move which we ALL know does not land you in the winner’s circle. I don’t think the girl that “confronts” the lead about the villain ever wins this show, right? I can’t think of any examples where that’s worked out. To Raven’s credit, it seems that her main gripe with Corinne is that she’s immature (Raven is APPALLED at the reveal that Corinne has a nanny) rather than the fact that she likes to bounce around in bikinis, which I do feel like is a sturdier complaint.

5. Alexis (Last Week: 6)

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This godforsaken country does not deserve Alexis. “Move, bitches,” she says as she pushes women aside to collect her rose. Obviously, Alexis is not going to win. Obviously, Alexis is not going to be the Bachelorette. Tragically, we are never going to meet the family that raised her on a hometown date. Hopefully, we get to see her find love (with Daniel the Canadian?? I am just spitballing here) on Bachelor in Paradise. Alexis is consistently the funniest commentator and wears an insane amount of hoop earrings, plus she almost wins the weird fauxlympics group date. She is doing so much better than I ever would have guessed and I am so happy for her.

4. Astrid (Last Week: 20)

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Should Astrid have worn a more supportive sports bra on an athletic date? Sure. Did we, as a society, need the close-up shots of her boobs jiggling in the wind? No, we certainly did not. Astrid “wins” the date and her reward is sitting in a Jacuzzi (I just I mean I LOVE how Jacuzzis are constantly appearing out of nowhere on this show) with Nick, WITH HER CLOTHES ON. It sounds terrible, honestly. I have always hated sitting in hot tubs because I feel like I’m being cooked in a soup. I imagine this feeling would only be amplified if I had my clothes still on. Terrifying.

3. Danielle L. (Last Week: 10)

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Danielle L., which is surprisingly hard to say out loud, is Very Cool in this episode. Because she has decent coordination and looks real cute in the polyester shorts they're forced to wear, she wins the Backstreet Boys challenge (? What are we calling it) and gets to make out with Nick in front of hundreds of people (and her friends/competitors) while the Backstreet Men sing “I Want it That Way” a cappella. It’s a lot. There is nothing more uncomfortable than being sung to. One of my high school friends asked me to prom by singing to me and I almost passed out. Not because it was cute (like it was, but I didn't care), but because I was literally so uncomfortable that I wanted to dig a little hole into the ground and live there with a pack of Donettes until everyone else graduated. I admire Danielle L for not doing this. Danielle L. gets the rose.

2. Rachel (Last Week: 11)

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Rachel is so cool. She’s so cool. She’s in the lead for the entirety of the #sports date and loses to Astrid only because a gigantic plastic ring from Party City unsurprisingly fails to do its job, but she is super gracious and graceful and doesn’t complain or stamp her feet. Maybe because she realizes that jumping clothed into a Jacuzzi is a terrible reward for anything. Later that evening, Rachel wears a super fun and lawyerly-looking white dress and says the best sentence a girl can hear: “Do you want to go to the bathroom for a minute?” She whisks Dominique away to the bathroom and tries her best to calm Dominique down and impart her lawyer wisdom. Alas, it’s not enough to save Dominique, but it is enough to earn Rachel the group date rose. I hope she gets every group date rose and a million Seamless discount codes and green lights at every intersection she hits from now until the end of time. I love her.

1. Vanessa (Last Week: 9)

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Vanessa is really the best. She is so pretty and smart and kind and multilingual! Nick takes Vanessa on what actually seems like a cool date, which is sky-humping (get it, like dry humping, ha ha) on a zero gravity airplane. (Sidenote: I cannot wrap my mind around what a “zero gravity airplane” is. Aren’t there zero-gravity places, like, on earth? Did I make that up? I could have sworn they had to do a zero-gravity photoshoot on ANTM at one point. Isn’t that how you practice skydiving?? Help) She also pukes in the middle of their date, which is the most alpha thing I have ever seen. No one will ever look at me the way that Nick looks at Vanessa, who has just vommed all over their date. It’s nuts. He rubs her feet and cries as they eat dinner. Compare this to his behavior with Corinne. It is nanny and day. Speaking of: I LOVE how Vanessa puts Nick in his place at the end of this episode. “I’m not judging Corinne, I’m judging your actions. It’s enough for me to question, are you looking for a wife? Are you looking for someone to fuck around with?” THANK U, VANESSA. This is an excellent way to approach the problem. Nick genuinely looks so embarrassed and flustered when she calls him out for encouraging Corinne. I want Vanessa to win but I also think she’s too good for Nick, which puts me in a tough spot. I want her to win something else, maybe? Put Vanessa on Dancing with the Stars!

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See you next Monday!