Power-Ranking The Bachelor Girls, Week 2

"No one has ever held my boobs like that. No one ever will."

This week on The Bachelor, Nick and his army of Much Younger Women start getting to know each other, tongue-wise. Half the girls have to participate in this ripoff America's Next Top Model photoshoot in which they dress up as different flavors of bride. There is even a knockoff Jay Manuel who yells things like "Las Vegas, very naughty! Needs a spanking!" Later, Nick trots his harem out to the Boulevard of Broken Relationships where they watch bad improv and slap each other. Corinne frees the nipple and is still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Nick's Fiancée For Six to Eight Months. ABC has lost its rose budget.

Why is Liz still here? Who came up with the idea of an "Adam and Eve Wedding?" Are we sure there wasn't a third girl named Danielle? When is Corinne's nanny going to show up and reveal that Corinne is actually a runaway teen bully named Alison DiLaurentis? Are hoop earrings back?

Put on your biker wedding outfit and let's get started.

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23. Liz (Last Week: 29)

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DID ANYONE ELSE KNOW THAT LIZ ACTUALLY MET NICK AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING? JADE👏AND👏TAN👏NER’S👏WED👏DING. Liz talks a lot about how she is “unapologetically herself,” which often translates to “I am constantly being asked to apologize for being myself.” Liz tells Christen about her lil rendezvous with Nick (nine months ago, at Jade and Tanner's wedding) before actually talking to Nick about it, which is very uncool of her to do. Then, at the Museum of Broken Whatever, Liz uses cue cards (!!!) to tell Nick that she wishes he'd fought for her. You know, after she told him she didn't want to give him her number and then didn't reach out to him for the better part of a year. "The more I talk to Liz, the less she makes sense," says Nick, verbatim. Nick gives her a chance to explain how her coming after him as soon as doing so gave her the opportunity to be on television isn't shady, and she does not rise to the challenge. "I knew you were really busy with filming Paradise," says Liz. "The producers don't want me to say this on TV but we both know that show tapes in 20 days," shrugs Nick. Liz is sent home. Nick offers to walk her out but in fact just walks her to the elevator. Savage.

22. THIS ROSE (Last Week: Not Ranked)

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THIS IS THE FAKEST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW, INCLUDING ALEXIS’ BOOBS.

21. Nick (Last Week: Not Ranked)

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Nick is barely in this episode, tbh. He is also really bad at pouring champagne.

20. Astrid (Last Week: 20)

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Astrid does absolutely nothing in this episode besides wear a particularly offensive black and pink two-piece ensemble during the group date.

19. Hailey (Last Week: 25)

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“My parents would kill me if I acted that way on television,” says Hailey, a 23-year-old who introduced herself by announcing that she wasn’t wearing any underwear, about Corinne taking off her bikini top. Hailey has a lot of nerve.

18. Sarah (Last Week: 8)

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Lowkey who is this?

17. Elizabeth (Last Week: 12)

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WHO is this?

16. Jasmine (Last Week: 24)

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Jasmine doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot in this episode other than talk about how Corinne’s behavior is “not for a wife.” I wasn’t aware that once you become someone’s wife (gag) you aren’t allowed to take your swimsuit top off every once in a while. LET HER LIVE, JASMINE.

15. Whitney (Last Week: 13)

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More like Where-tney. Someone hook Whitney up with some airtime, please.

14. Kristina (Last Week: 11)

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Kristina is actually very pretty and I find her Russian-Kentucky accent endearing. Hopefully someday she actually gets some screen time and we get to unpack the Russian nesting doll of her personality (is this a racial slur? Seriously asking).

13. Jaimi (Last Week: 16)

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I remember thinking during this episode that Jaimi was really growing on me but now I can’t remember why, so.

12. Lacey (Last Week: 9)

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Lacey looks a LOT like Phoebe Buffay. “I didn’t come here to be a bridesmaid, I came here to be Nick’s wife,” says Faux-be Buffay without blinking. Hmm.

11. Rachel (Last Week: 5)

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WHERE IS RACHEL? There should have been 3000x more Rachel in this episode. I hope the next episode is 90% Rachel. Rachel is the best one. She should have her own show! Maybe one in which she dates 25 eligible men in the hopes of finding love! While wearing sparkly column dresses! Do u hear me ABC!

10. Danielle L. (Last Week: 7)

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Danielle L. is the prettiest and most composed girl on this insane faux-Nigel Barker photoshoot so she gets cast as the “traditional bride.” This is kind of like when ANTM had a “fat” model so they cast her as an elephant in an animal-themed shoot one week and as Gluttony in a seven deadly sins-themed shoot the next. God, that show used to be so good.

9. Vanessa (Last Week: 2)

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Vanessa doesn’t do anything in this episode except gamely dress up as an “80’s bride,” which apparently just means wearing a Duggar-esque wedding dress and putting your hair in a truly half-assed side ponytail.

8. Josephine (Last Week: 23)

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Josephine is REALLY growing on me. Look at her little denim jumper! Look at her little lace top and Vanessa Hudgens skirt! Look at her slapping Nick in front of everyone! Josephine seems like a great time!

7. Brittany (Last Week: 22)

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I have no idea who Brittany is or if she was even in the first episode but she is so fun!

6. Alexis (Last Week: 17)

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Okay, so we were all super incorrect in our snap judgments. Former Shark Girl™ is a national treasure, it turns out. She walks around chugging drinks while wearing a pregnancy bump, she wears giant hoop earrings unironically, she throws a birthday party for her boobs, for God’s sake. She’s hilarious and I want to invite her to every party I have from now until the end of time.

5. Raven (Last Week: 6)

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Raven’s hair color is a shade too dark for her, no? It’s almost as if she went to the salon, the stylist asked her “So what color are you thinking?” and she was just like “Well my name is Raven, so.” Anyway! Raven earns my respect this episode for (correctly) reading Nick’s interest in Corinne as a poor reflection on his character rather than hers. Raven does not slut-shame! That’s so Raven.

4. Taylor (Last Week: 27)

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I respect Taylor’s hustle for responding to Nick’s really vague inquiry about how she “maybe majored in psychology” by straight up going “I finished my Bachelor’s in three years and went straight to my Master’s, which I got from Johns Hopkins.” That is information worth bragging about and she knows she has no chance of slipping that in subtly, what with Corinne circling overhead like the Mathra from 3rd Grade Adventures. Taylor wears a very tasteful wrap dress but I’m distracted by her GIANT HOOP EARRINGS. Someone tell me if hoops are back!

3. Christen (Last Week: 26)

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Listen. Listen. Christen is living her absolute best life on this show. She is L I V I N G. She reacts to any hint of drama by dropping her jaw and gasping, which I love. She listens to Liz tell the boring story of how she ACTUALLY MET NICK AT JADE AND TANNER’S WEDDING through not one but three entire outfit changes, one of which included a cheetah print headband. Christen was the exact right person for Liz to confess to because Christen, this season’s token Waiting Til Marriage Girl, was genuinely so scandalized yet beyond thrilled that someone had entrusted her with a secret. This reminds me a lot of when I was like, sixteen and did a lot of musical theatre (WHO MUST BE THE ONE TO MAKE A PROPER HOME, A QUIET HOME, A KOSHER HOME, WHO MUST RAISE A FAMILY AND) and would always befriend the freshman girls in the cast because they thought everything I did was fascinating (spoiler: wasn’t) and would listen to my stories with the kind of rapture that Christen exhibits here. Christen is also the only person who actually believes that the couple LOUDLY breaking up in the Museum of Broken Relationships is actually breaking up. “This is so crazy that they’re doing this on the same day that we’re here,” says Christen between gasps. All hail our lord and savior Jesus Christen.

2. Danielle M. (Last Week: 1)

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Danielle M. is so pretty and tall and blonde and sweet and we all know that’s not Nick’s type but what if it was!! When Danielle M. receives her date card, one of the other blondes (Lacey Kudrow, I think?) yelps “I’m so happy that Danielle got the one-on-one date because she’s amazing. I didn’t even know girls could be that nice.” I don’t know if this says great things about Danielle M. or terrible things about Lacey Kudrow’s friends. Danielle M. gets treated to a WONDERFUL date of helicopters and yachts and hot tubs and Ferris wheels and wine. It honestly sounds exactly like what I’d do if I had an unlimited budget for a date (probably either that or taking a historically accurate horse-drawn carriage ride to Louisa May Alcott’s childhood home. I am just spitballing here.) Danielle M. also wears this awesome strappy-backed jumpsuit that looks a lot like an updated version of the strappy-backed dress that the mom from The Parent Trap wears to see her ex-husband. She also manages to sport a nice poker face when Nick begins to mansplain her fiancé’s death to her. Danielle M. has it all: she is beautiful and sweet and has a tragic-ass backstory and saves babies for a living. I’d be honored if Nick picked her but I still can’t see him going with anyone who’s not a PIB. Time will tell.

1. Corinne (Last Week: 3)

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I honestly am loving Corinne and here is why. This child has seen every single episode of this show ever since she was allowed to start watching it after she had her Bat Mitzvah and she knows exactly what she is doing. She knows that sexy villains go far! This makes her far more entertaining to watch than, say, Olivia, who you could tell was just kind of socially awkward versus actively evil. “I have never been a bridesmaid,” says Corinne, which does not shock me. Maybe one day she can be her nanny’s bridesmaid. Corinne makes everyone mad by taking off her bikini top during her “Beach Wedding” photoshoot with Nick (which, by the way, is super in a pool and super not on the beach) and repeatedly snatching Nick away from his various drunken conversations. None of this bothers me because Corinne keeps saying awesome things like “This is my Nick Veill” and “If you can’t handle being interrupted, then why did you come here?” She also has the following conversation, verbatim:

Corinne: “Can I interrupt you guys?”

Alexis: “Wait… what?”

Corinne: “I’m interrupting you.”

Alexis: “Oh, so… okay. I’m okay.”

Corinne, handing Nick a shot: “You need to take this.”

A SHOT AT LOVE WITH CORINNE OLYMPIOS! I love it. I mean, I think a big part of why Corinne and Nick are bonding so much is because they are both SO DRUNK on this group date. They’re both so sweaty and red-eyed and slurring their words and just kind of sleepily pawing at each other. Corinne gets the group date rose because, honestly, she’s probably the only person whose name Nick remembers. It is not a terrible strategy, I respect the hustle, and Corinne wins this week.

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See you next Monday!