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Posted on Apr 8, 2015

5 Movie Monsters That Are Actually Human Beings

Just because they’re the cursed undead doesn’t mean they don’t care about the bake sale.

by Angie Casas

Community Contributor

Via tumblr.com

The old world country club of monsters, vampires are extremely exclusive. They aren’t going to just let anyone, no matter how much they Pretty Woman themselves up in to fit in. They're old money who doesn’t think twice of dropping serious cash on upgrading their vehicles every few months. This makes them a bit out of touch with the middle class. What mean you inherited your car and have driven it since you were 18? I know peasantry is so 1500s. The newer generation is a bit more in touch and much to the confusion of their elders they only dress “vintage.” But you yourself are a vintage! Also they totally have reflections that much vanity would not allow for a lack of one. They rule Instagram with their pale beauty and naturally smudged eyes. Yeah that’s not NYX eyeliner that’s 80 years of dark circles.

Via tumblr.com

They are family oriented and suburban dwellers. They carpool with the local families and participate in the PTA. Their homemade chocolate chip cookies are to die for. Also they run marathons, Tough Mudder is just a light warm up to them. They do camping every summer and hike year round. They are part of conservation groups and take recycling very seriously. They are people you actually want to hang out with since they are always up to something and they have positive personalities. Sure they clog up your shower drain but you still envy that gorgeous mane. Completely friendly except for once a month in which case just leave them alone in a room of their favorite food and you should be good.

Via tumblr.com

They are all about self love. Who else do you know would order people to build a pyramid so they can rot in eternity in a cool, quiet place surrounded by all their favorite things. They’re lazy and love their sleep so if you wake them up before they’re ready it better because roaches go in the house or there’s a widespread lack of toilet paper. They are most likely to be motivational speakers teaching people that despite their rotting flesh they still wake up every day as if they have only been decaying for 50 years instead of 5000. They get stuff done so if you need someone to remind you to not procrastinate on your goals you need a mummy around.

Via lovethispic.com

They are romantics and pretty laid back. They just want to make some pottery with you and listen to Aretha Franklin. They also have a bad case of wanderlust, they want to go everywhere and want you to go with them. There also pranksters. Boss making your life miserable? Nothing like some fake blood dripping down the walls and a possessed porcelain doll to make them crap their pants. It’s hilarious. Just don’t hang out with poltergeist. Those guys are the radical cult leaders, constantly belittling your appearance and intelligence. They’ll try to push you into doing things you don’t want to do. Their main objective is just to drag you down into hell and that is just going to ruin your day.

Via pinterest.com

They are the youth of the monster world. Fairly young they still have a lot to learn. Like don’t stay out in the sun to long because it’s bad for your skin, check the expiration date on your food, don’t wander aimlessly into the trigger happy South. Since they’re in their teens they’re pretty misunderstood and spend most of their day zoned out and wandering aimlessly with their friends from skate park to the mall and back. Since they are in a constant state of change you don’t know who you’re going to meet when you see them in the morning. Will it be the optimistic, peppy person or the one that covers their face with their hair and grunts in response? Who knows just hope they like their cereal and not your warm flesh. Since they’re preparing to go to grow up someday they’re going to pick your brain for knowledge on how to rent an apartment, how to change your oil, how to balance and check book and pay taxes. You know, things school should be teaching them. Just don’t take it personally when they look at you with soulless eyes.