When I see an attractive lady, I'm not imagining her naked, but what she would look like with a mustache. I don't just know where, but why, when, and how the red fern grows. I have spent years singlehandedly limiting the scope of Skeet Ulrich's fame. I would rather punch a blind man in the throat than parallel park. I say "peace out" as though it were still accepted nomenclature. I am the sole reason Bon Jovi wrote "Dead or Alive." I fantasize about greeting Jehova's Witnesses at my door holding a baseball bat and saying, "Were you followed?" I have night terrors in the middle of the day. The last time a waiter asked me how I wanted my steak cooked, I stabbed him in the thigh with a fork. I was once kidnapped by Vietnamese nationalists during a trip through the Congo, but was immediately released when they discovered I knew Bernard Belisle. It takes two to tango, but just me to ruin a party.
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