5 Elevator Tricks That Every New Yorker Should Know

We've all been there... in the elevator. What we apparently don't all know is how to behave while you're locked in the box with any number of complete strangers.

1. Shut The Fuck Up

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If you read just one of the tips on this list, make sure it's this one. Many of the batshit crazy denizens of NYC have been infected with the insane idea that it's acceptable to use your mouth in any way while in an elevator. This is untrue and it's also definitely against the law. We are complete strangers in a small box, hurtling up or down potentially hundreds of feet. If you attempt to communicate to me during this anxiety-inducing trip, I will assume you are some kind of alien spy attempting to collect information about earthlings. Your verbal message will be met with nothing but a scornful stare.

On more than a few of my elevator journeys, I've encountered a particular type of human who is under the false impression that headphones mute the wearer as well as the environment around them. Much to the dismay of Steve Jobs and Dr. Dre, technology has not yet advanced to this point. Some of these people even sing aloud to the music pumping into their eardrums. Please do not do this.

2. Look The Fuck Up

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Incredibly enough, we live in a world of technological wonders abounding before our very eyes. One of my favorite innovations has been the electronic display telling the elevator occupants exactly which floor they are passing by, or stopping at. I cannot thank whoever was responsible for this enough. Their recognition of the fact that the average human has immense problems with a consecutive string of whole numbers was a foresight of much importance. Unfortunately, not many elevator-goers take advantage of the display.

Listen, I get it. You've stepped into the elevator and you finally have a few minutes to yourself. It seems like am ideal time to get out your ipods and update yourselves on the latest social media happenings. After all, once you arrive at your designated floor, you'll go back to your job at Tech Startup #284,991 a demanding job which requires you to dress up like a jackass and dick around on a computer for eight hours while pretending you're actually doing something.

I implore you, rider, leave the ipad in your pocket. Keep an eye on the display, lest you attempt to exit at the wrong floor, or fail to exit at your appropriate floor, therefore making a complete jackass out of yourself in front of all six people in this metal hell cube.

3. Let Me Pet Your Dog

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How many of you thought I was going to put "Don't Bring Pets In The Elevator" on this list? You Fucking Sociopaths.

If I'm going to be surrounded by other humans all day while I slave away at a job that I can't even understand anymore, the least you can do for me is allow some canine/human contact, the purest of all interactions. Just think of it this way: when you enter the elevator, your dog becomes our dog. I still remember the horrified stares of pet owners when I begin petting their dog in the elevator. I just want to pet him; he's a good boy. I don't want to have to talk to you. Remember, I don't want to have to talk to you.

4. Don't Put A Stroller In The Elevator

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"But, my baby!"

Can it. Just fucking can it. Your strollers are an affront to sanity. Your strollers cost thousands of dollars and are the size of mini coopers. I know that one of the latest pastimes of New Yorkers is having shitloads of horrible little babies; but, like I said, can it. Your baby is going to be a horrible, slow walker when it finally emerges from that mobile home you call a stroller.

5. Know The Limits Of Personal Space

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Elevators come in all sorts of sizes, from the rickety coffins of Soho to the Bedroom sized carriages of 5th Ave. However large the elevator, there inevitably is a point where it is "too full" for additional passengers to enter. This has nothing to do with the weight limit that is posted, there is no set number of people that I can offer you as a guideline. There is only one thing that you should pay attention to when the doors open: the gaze of the other passengers. When those doors part and you're met with the pleading eyes of those poor souls who are already shoulder to shoulder, committing the sin of physical contact with strangers, it is time to mumble something about "getting the next one" while you let those doors close. If you are unable to judge at which point the elevator is full, you may need to go right to prison.

Oh, if you wanted to point out that people in other cities also ride elevators, just know that I don't give a fuck