1.
Am fucking embarrassed to call this thing my pal
2.
WAITER: Room for dessert? [flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts] ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don't have one of those.
3.
Ordered Chinese last night. For a minute I was like "they woke AF" Then I realized I was tripping it was beef lo… https://t.co/u5US25YzWI
4.
Her: babe I want sushi Me: bone app the teeth
5.
Why are there biscuits in the sewing kit tin?
6.
these oranges suck
7.
Please don't break the window. The A/C is on, he has water, and is listening to his favorite music.
8.
When Dominos said they'd be 45 minutes but it's been 50.
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Pleasure to meet you. The name's...
11.
Ma maw knows a hate shreddies, n she's been hidin the scran in here for fkn ages wit a snake
12.
Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
13.
Found out where my taco went.
14.
Arby's meeting: "So it's fish?" "Legally? No"
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Me: God, I just feel so Brain: HUNGRY M: No, I'm very alone. I desperately want B: FOOD M: Part of me is missing. All I need is B: PRINGLES
17.
roasting marshmallows is my favorite thing to do in the fall
18.
Me on food network: "I made a puréed nut spread w/ a grape relish reduction paired w/ brioche bun"
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I just want someone who looks at me the way my brother looks at ketchup