garib

Let's just say that life is very challenging. And, while I have times at which I feel like giving up and really doubt if I can keep pushing, somehow I manage to gain the strength to keep on trying. I have a strong faith in God, so part of me thinks God helping me plays a big role. But, I know it is not possible to prove God is real, that's why it's called faith. Whatever the reason, I have not yet given up, though at times I do feel quite hopeless. My life could definately be worse, but it could also be alot better and I'm hoping some day the tide will turn in my favor. I have alot of positive qualities, but often times I do not truly see the positive even when my positive qualities are pointed out to me by others. I've spent much of my life trying to please EVERYBODY, and still fall into that mindset even though I know pleasing everyone can never be done. I'm making progress though, even if it is slow and at times I seem to stagnate. I tend to think alot, think quite deeply and on a philosophical and exestential level. I also have a very, very good memory, which at times is positive but at other times can be negative. I have spent the past 30+ years struggling with mental health issues, am in counseling and on meds and also on medical disability due to my mental health status. I have been hospitalised several times due to my mental health problems(mainly depression, OCD and anxiety), with the first time being at age 13 due to panic attacks. Also was hospitalized in 1989 after my 3rd year of college, and the multiple times from Dec 30,2000 - Oct 2002. I have been on medical disability since Summer 2001. Not happy about it and have tried to return to work 2-3 times, but each time I was just not up to handling things mentally/emotionally. Also have struggles with gender dysphoria(using labels I'm "transgender") from as far back as I can remember, and still have not yet figured out exactly how to best deal with my inner self and physical body being out of psynch. WE live in a world which is not very kind or accepting to people that fall outside of what is deemed "normal" for any reason, especially when it comes to gender identity. And, sadly, this is causing and has caused me alot of pain and difficulty as I struggle to be true to myself yet also keep from suffering at the hands of rude, ignorant, bigoted, intolerant people. I'm a kind, caring, thoughtful higlhy sensitve person. I have a very good sense of humor, but am also prone to dark periods when overcome by serious depression. I try my best to treat others as I wish to be treated, though I'm not perfect and at times do not follow through on this ideal. I make mistakes, and when I make a mistake I'm a big enough person to admit I messed up, say I'm sorry and ask for forgiveness. And, while I can't say that I easily forget things when I'm hurt badly by others, when a person apologises to me I forgive them and do the best I can to move forward with a clean slate. I'm also a very, very, very honest and open person, which is a positive but also sets me up for being hurt. Oh well, at least I do not have any skeletons in my closet, so that leaves more room for clothes, shoes, jackets..etc (LOL).

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