The Ten Most Awkward Things That Can Happen At Mass

For every Catholic, mass is just one of those things you have to do. Here's a list of ten things that simply make that one hour the best hour of the day.

10. Kneeler Slam

You're chilling there, on your knees, just minding your own business and before you know it, It's time to get up and put the kneeler away. Everyone else seems to be very graceful when folding it up...except for you. As you're putting it up, your kneeler has somehow gotten away from you and BAM it falls to the floor making what seems to be the loudest sound known to man. You look around in shame and see that the entire congregation is looking at you like you are the spawn of satan.

9. The "Sit Back"

Sticking with the theme of kneeling....as before you're just kneeling and getting your prayer on when someone decides to end their prayer prematurely. It happens as if in slow motion. You see them slowly make their way back hoping that you get the hint. They start by sitting on the edge of the pew and putting up their kneeler. Then they slowly slide back until you're forced to either continue kneeling with your nose in their hair or send your apologies to God and end your prayer.

8. Forgotten Lines

Every Catholic person remembers when the responses we knew and loved were savagely taken from us. Now during mass were expected to say things like "It is right and just" or "enter under my roof." Like come on....it was just fine before. Whatever, moving on. It's time to recite the creed and like a moron you say the response you were brought up saying. Of course, everyone else in the church is well educated and seems to have practiced these new responses non stop since they were dropped, therefore your voice stands out like Clay Aiken at the B.E.T awards. Once again the entire congregation looks at you as if you are part of the illuminati and are just trying to secretly infiltrate the church and gain insider secrets.

7. Clapping Urges

You're chilling during mass and the choir starts to perform "Here I Am Lord," a.k.a your favorite song. You get mad excited and start singing along. Halfway through it dawns on you that DAMN the choir is killing it. You're so caught up in the moment that when the song wraps up, your hands connect once and before you know it, you're full on applauding the choir for a job well done cause you know what? They deserve it. Of course, we all know that clapping during mass is frowned upon so ONCE AGAIN the entire congregation looks at you and...oh you get it already.

6. Sweaty Peace

Around you, fellow church-goers shuffle around uncomfortably while shooting their neighbors sidelong glances because they know that soon, the time will come.You're getting restless and finally the words are said. The church erupts with the sounds of people saying peace and throwing up deuces to people they know across the room. You get high off the great energy and turn to the middle-aged man behind you and offer your hand. He of course takes it and thats when you feel the small pond on the inside of his palm. As you attempt to hold in your vomit, you pull away a little too quickly and subtly rub your palm against your jeans while fighting the urge to run to the bathroom and wash your hands. The truth is, no matter what hand you have to grab (clammy or not) you're just glad you got one small break from mass because for once during the service you were allowed to socialize with someone other than God.

5. Handshake Rejection

While you may think that shaking someones sweaty hand is the worst thing that could happen to you during peace, you are mistaken. There's nothing quite as awkward as excitedly reaching for someones hand only to have your peace turned down for a variety of reasons. 1.) That person could have simply not seen your attempt at making peace and unknowingly caused the shame that is stirring within you or 2.) after they reject your peaceful handshake, they mouth a dumb excuse for a bad case of OCD and say "sorry, i'm sick" as if they really care about your health. So now, what the hell are you supposed to do? Your hand is already stuck in midair so basically the only way out is to slowly retract it and try to mask the embarrassment you are harboring inside. So much for being brothers and sisters! Am I right? Am I right?!

4. Our Father

Speaking of awkward hand contact...it's time for the Our Father. You're sitting with your family when a stranger comes into the same pew as you and sits just a few feet away. You don't realize this is a potential problem until it's time to join hands and pray the Our Father. Now your tasked with the decision similar to one made by a 14 year old on a first date. Do I grab his hand? Do I wait for my hand to be grabbed? Hmm....In second grade I learned that EVERYONE has to hold hands...thats the whole point but this guy looks like he isn't in the mood to hold my hand. Then again, he looks like he's someone's grandpa so maybe he's just shy. By the time this mental conversation has gone down and you've made the decision to grab his hand, the prayer is finished. Oh well! Get 'em next time!

3. Finger To Tongue Contact

If you still receive the eucharist with your mouth you know what a common horror this is. It's finally your turn to receive the eucharist. You say amen, open your mouth, and slightly stick out your tongue. You expect that the person tasked with the job of distributing the Body of Christ will be a professional so you're pretty much at ease during the process. That is until said person begins to insert his or her finger into your mouth along with the Eucharist. As the Eucharist slowly disintegrates in your mouth, you try to recuperate from the moment by praying that person took their pre-mass shower.

2. Inopportune Laughing

This week, you went to mass with a family friend. This shock to your schedule gets you absolutely giddy with excitement and you can't contain it. You guys sit in your pew, shoulder to shoulder and that's when your friend nudges you. That's all it takes, a little nudge, to send you over the edge. You CANNOT stop laughing. That nudge was just so freaking funny that the laughter comes out on its own. You finally get it under control when the asshole sitting next to you thinks it'll be cute to nudge you again. Soon enough, you have to excuse yourself because the old lady sitting one pew over is looking like she's ready to crucify you. Get it?! Crucify?....too soon?

1. Eucharist Drop

This is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to anyone at mass. You're ready to get that Eucharist and just stick it in your mouth but clumsy old you just cannot keep it together today. You reach out your hands, positioned left over right of course and the minister begins to place the bread in your hand. Your hands are just so slippery and before you know it that piece of God himself falls to the ground. The whole church sharply inhales in unison and you are about to be shun so hard. You can barely move your face, it's so red. The minister is stunned because that rarely happens...he or she knows there's certain protocol but what is it? Crisis ensues around the church and you pass out because the stress is too much. Turns out the priest just needed to eat it...huh..who knew?