1. The wildly ambitious plans.
So, you’ve finally invited your family round to prove you’re that “functioning human being” you always insisted you’d become, or blurted out “WANNA COME ROUND FOR DINNER?” at the girl/boy/man/woman at work you’ve liked for ages. Now’s your time to impress. Think BIG.
5. The crying.
Oh, the tears. Such painful, painful tears. Just squint through the agony, carry on chopping, and explain to everyone that despite the salty droplets streaming down your cheeks you are most definitely not upset.
6. The bleeding.
AAAAAARRRRRGGGH! OOOW. Never try and cut things when you’re blinded by eye moisture. Just stem the flow, plaster it up and admit that you’ll have to throw away that dough you made because your guests will almost definitely ask why their pastry “looks a bit pink”.
8. The mad, foolhardy, mid-cooking dash to the shops to get it.
“Excuse me, Tesco Metro, do you have any samphire?” “Excuse me, Co-op, do you sell samphire?” “AJ Khan Convenience Store, have you got samph…. WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS TOWN DOESN’T SELL SAMPHIRE?!?!”
10. The scrabbling around for a plan B.
You have three options:
1) Cry, apologise, and convince yourself you’ll all laugh about this one day…. probably.
2) Serve it up anyway, twiddle your thumbs nonchalantly, and pretend there’s nothing wrong.
3) Bite the bullet and serve up cornflakes. You can’t go wrong with cornflakes, can you?
11. The serving up.
Just ignore the fact your guests are only pretending to enjoy it while suppressing their gag reflexes.
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