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The 13 Stages Of A Culinary Disaster

Cooking is hard when you're not Michelin starred.

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1. The wildly ambitious plans.

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So, you've finally invited your family round to prove you're that "functioning human being" you always insisted you'd become, or blurted out "WANNA COME ROUND FOR DINNER?" at the girl/boy/man/woman at work you've liked for ages. Now's your time to impress. Think BIG.

3. The spending two days' wages on ingredients you'll only use once.

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OK, so you won't touch that expensive jar of Lebanese pickled lemons when you go back to your usual diet of microwave mac and cheese. Who cares? You're the chef!

6. The bleeding.

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AAAAAARRRRRGGGH! OOOW. Never try and cut things when you're blinded by eye moisture. Just stem the flow, plaster it up and admit that you'll have to throw away that dough you made because your guests will almost definitely ask why their pastry "looks a bit pink".

8. The mad, foolhardy, mid-cooking dash to the shops to get it.

“Excuse me, Tesco Metro, do you have any samphire?” “Excuse me, Co-op, do you sell samphire?” “AJ Khan Convenience Store, have you got samph…. WHAT KIND OF BACKWARDS TOWN DOESN’T SELL SAMPHIRE?!?!”

10. The scrabbling around for a plan B.

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You have three options:

1) Cry, apologise, and convince yourself you'll all laugh about this one day.... probably.

2) Serve it up anyway, twiddle your thumbs nonchalantly, and pretend there's nothing wrong.

3) Bite the bullet and serve up cornflakes. You can't go wrong with cornflakes, can you?

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