A letter of love, loss and hope.
To my angel baby,
Today is June 3rd, the day you were due to be in my arms. The love I have for you is eternal and will stay with me in this life and continue into all lives. The loss and love is resounding and excruciating. The depth of my love for you is like no other feeling I've ever had. So deep and heartfelt that I have felt I have wanted to leave this life and find you in heaven and hold you in my arms through all eternal life. The abject sorrow and pain of not being able to keep you in this life has been so strong that I have wanted to follow you and find you. It has taken every fibre of my heart and mind to stay on this earth. To stay and fight for my life and honour your short life within me. The lengths of loss and desolation I have felt since you left have been akin to hell on earth and left me directionless with a gaping hole in my psyche, soul and heart. Without a way to turn or move, a feeling of perpetual paralysis.
I know there is no rhyme or reason that you were not strong enough to stay. Just know I wanted you, I would have given my last breath for you to survive. It feels like I have taken many of my own last breaths in the last nine months since I knew you were coming and since I knew you had gone.
My challenge now is to keep taking those breaths to honour your memory and continue to live the life that gave me the thoughts, strength and courage to want you in the first place. We were given this life because we were strong enough to live it. I have eulogised your loss and now begin to rebuild to honour your short life and honour my life and the lives of those I love.
Darling angel baby you were so wanted by all who love and care for me. My heart and soul wanted you like nothing else ever. The anguish of your passing inside my body has left me sometimes incapacitated with my whole body and mind overwhelmed.
I have been challenged unlike anything else to see through the storm that has been the loss of you. Many people have suffered on our behalf, but no more than me, your Mum. The pain and suffering will need to change into rejoicement for your tiny life and slowly come back to feelings of hope and excitement. The thrill and hope for another like you. Except this time this angel will stay on earth and in my arms.
So today the 3rd of June is about us. You, my darling angel baby and me, your Mum. Tomorrow, the next day, and all the days after that will still be about us but they will include many other people and especially one more special person. A brother or sister for you my angel baby, and a baby on earth for us to love.
I hope in heaven or where ever you might be all our loved ones are there with you and shining their light over you until I get there and they will give love and guidance to a new angel baby on their way to earth and into my arms. I will do all that I can be ready for our next miracle baby.
All my love your Mum
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