6 Times Hallmark Movies Plots Directly Related To Your Life.

hallmark imitates life.

1. 'Falling in Love with the Girl Next Door' (2006).

Remember that time before you were born when your mother was the sweetest woman in the world except for the burning hatred she had for that other lady down the street, and they were arch nemeses and disguised their regret at ending up housewives of Catalina by plotting each others' demise?

And then when you fell in love with that girl and didn't ask any personal questions about her family at all until you got engaged? And then when it turned out that her mother was the lady down the street and they dealt with their problems by becoming a wedding planning duo?

Just look at those dads. Nothing like denial, teeth whitening and possessive arm grips to ease the tension of a demon wife.

Good times.

2. 'Our Wild Hearts' (2006).

Via wpc.556e.edgecastcdn.net

If we all had a nickle for every time we inherit a mysterious horse ranch in Whogivesashitville, Montana just as our wives died and left us alone to deal with a total bitch of a teenage daughter, only then be appointed town Sheriff and have to deal with wolves stealing our farm stock. Legitimate wolves.

So many damn nickles.

3. 'Operation Cupcake' (2012).

Via static.cinemagia.ro

This masterpiece relates specifically to the everyman caught in the middle part of a venn diagram with 'Cupcake Bakery Owners' on one side and 'Military Personnel' on the other.

Via lafamily.com

all of these guys.

Anyway. It's 2006 and you're back from whatever the fuck you were doing as an Army Colonel in Germany in the 21st century.

Anyway, your wife is a little too busy to shower you with attention because she's like, running a business which requires actual skill and raising two human children by her damn self. You feel kind of 'eh' about it all so she takes pity on you and, while she's setting up a second business with a total slimeball who definitely wants his piping bag in her batter, she convinces you to take over Bakery #1.

As the age old story goes, you decide to abandon your years of military training and change everything about yourself to run the bakery in a nicer way because you way sucks and your wife is a saint for not divorcing your tightly wound ass.

Can I get an AAMMMEENNNN.

4. 'The Cabin' (2011)

Via yourteenmag.com

So you're a human person with a/some human parent(s), which obviously means that you have to go to family summer camp in Ireland called MacFest. No need to explain that the only families allowed are ones whose last names start with 'mac'. Macintosh, Macdonald, Macwhatever, you get the gist.

Its a good thing that isn't fucked up already because you need to be emotionally ready for the logistical shitstorm an entire summer camp of families all with similar last names causes for cabin assignment.

ANYWAYYYYY, you guys and your mom (single) and some other family and their dad (also single) end up in the same cabin and this is all just too coincidental and no one in existence thought any kind of sex would happen on family torture camp so they deal with it by boning and bringing your families together. Obviously.

5. 'The Night Before The Night Before Christmas' (2010).

Via cdn.hitfix.com

Like all of us, the Fox family has a mom and a dad and a boy kid and a girl kid and and they are all screwed up because, life. We're talking no breakfast together level screwed up.

Via cdn.hitfix.com

look at that pain. such marriage dysfunction. so shitty.

SNAP TO THE NORTH POLE BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK NOT; Santa decides to discard hundreds of years of tradition and waddles to his sleigh a day early. Obviously the shock of leaving 24 hours before he was supposed to makes Santa a shit driver and he crashes his sleigh into your house. Dickhead.

Even more of a dick move the asshole gets amnesia and forgets where the toys are. So now you and your screwed up clan have to deal with not having breakfast together AND you have to help a memory-impaired fat guy in your house. Ugh tell me about it.

6. Fir Crazy

Via ia.media-imdb.com

Annnnnd the literal story of everyone's lives.

As we all do when the commercialization of Christmas gets too much in our mid to late twenties, Elise leaves the family Christmas tree business.

On the same day her dad breaks his arm, she gets fired. Because that's how fair life is to us all.

You know the drill, she gets roped into running the business but "just this once" and "for the last time".

A lot of complex shit goes down but it boils down to a CEO asshole wanting to shut down the Christmas tree stand because, as we know, small family owned and operated businesses at risk of financial ruin as a result of one broken arm are the thorn in the side of huge corporations.

Elise is a badass bitch though and, with the help of loverboy Darren who buys a fucktonne of trees to win her love, they kill the CEO with a pick axe.

Not so much with the murder, but Elise has some serious eye murdering happening.

10/10 and a definite must for children not yet working in the Christmas tree business to prepare, much as for puberty, for the trials and tribulations we all face.