Music·Posted on 22 Sept 201731 Funny Tweets To Distract You From Life For Like Two MinutesTake a break and laugh at these tweets.by Flo PerryBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. E.Saxey @esaxey Wanted a toothbrush, got a cyberpunk future. 06:59 PM - 07 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. corgis @corgsbot he was a skater corg, she said see you later corg 01:05 PM - 30 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Paul @bingowings14 Forget your financial worries in an instant by trapping some pubic hair in your zip. 07:33 PM - 30 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. just chris . @datbeeboi When will my husband return from pollinating... 10:20 PM - 07 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. 6. gecko emoji 🦎 @smollverine Become the banan 01:29 PM - 29 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Sarah Gailey @gaileyfrey RT if u agree that ice cream is a journey 11:10 PM - 27 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Oliver Moody @olivernmoody When it skulks on a reef And has two sets of teeth ... That's a moray. 11:12 AM - 24 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. deg @degg the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him 01:31 AM - 13 Oct 2013 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. 🚲 @alex4pt he whomsoever that canst draw the motorola from this carriageway shall be kinge of all post brexit englandde 01:07 PM - 23 Apr 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Richard Osman @richardosman I know Jaffa Cake has 'cake' in its name. Bonnie Tyler has 'tiler' in her name but I wouldn't ask her to regrout my bathroom. 09:13 AM - 25 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. John Kilbride @karnag At @waitrose you can buy an empty jam jar for £2 or an identical one full of jam for £1.71. You decide... 06:57 PM - 12 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Daniel @d4nji ONE OF MY MUMS EMPLOYEES ACCEPTED THIS AS PAYMENT HAHAHAHA 01:40 PM - 04 Mar 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. joe heenan @joeheenan Told the kids Carpet World was a theme park. They loved it 12:29 PM - 14 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. THEFASHIONMIRACLE @ADEOVIEYA I live with 4 white boys n Im soo tired of buying dish liquid in my house, i put my dish liquid in my room and gues… https://t.co/IQsB9yiKcJ 08:41 PM - 11 Jan 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. georgia @georgiajacks0n when your nan brings the biscuit barrel out.. 11:55 AM - 22 May 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. local asexual thot @dylanjakemorris Javert: AND I AM JAVERT, DO NOT FORGET MY NAME IKEA: got it 04:40 AM - 11 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. ᴊᴀᴍᴇs @ffsJames_ When your mum sends you to the chippy to get some chips and doesn't ask for her change back 02:52 PM - 28 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. Zeru @DoubleStraps the two types of drunk 04:45 PM - 22 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. Simon Holland @simoncholland We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it's fun to not be able to open that drawer. 06:17 PM - 15 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. k e i t h 🐤🥔 @KeetPotato [restaurant owners meeting] "we should start asking customers if they've been here before" why though? "absolutely no reason at all" ok deal 11:03 AM - 13 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. hoskas @hoskas When your duck is actually really posh 10:38 AM - 18 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. Zach Dunn @ZachBDunn THE "IT" CINEMATIC UNIVERSE CORRECT VIEWING ORDER It It Follows It Comes At Night Bring It On It's Complicated Just Go With It Bring It On 2 09:48 PM - 15 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. saz @MANARAxx sickest dj feeling is when im making rice and when it boils i turn the hob from highest heat to lowest like yes m8 ave it crowd goes wild 07:42 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. Spooky Dogfriend @GrrlGhost TFW u fave shady tweets from a twitter argument you're not involved in at all 10:38 AM - 09 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. sarah j. pumpkins 🎃 @cryingbaseball LOOK AT HOW HAPPY MY CAT IS THAT I BROUGHT HER A FRESH PAPER BAG 04:47 AM - 30 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. ㅤLiam McConnell @Liam26x Hate when your shopping with ur mum and she bumps into someone & they go 'that's never your son is it' like na i'm just filling in 4 the day 05:20 PM - 28 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. meghan currie @meghancurrrie starbucks worker: hi how are you me, suddenly confused: yes 06:33 PM - 29 Aug 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. spacegirl incognito @iamspacegirl When your dad is about to turn the damn car around. 09:42 PM - 20 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. ✝ @Baelitt This carrot looks.. as if it wants to be an astronaut so badly 03:54 PM - 18 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. Ali Garfinkel @aligarchy so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that's a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right lla… https://t.co/PxPsAZJ5My 05:48 PM - 12 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite