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9 Ways Meek Mill Can Still Defeat Drake

A few practical (and impractical) ways Meek Mill can turn this loss into a victory.

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1. Have sex with Drake's mom.

Young Money Entertainment / Via

I know, I know, a tad bit on the extreme side, especially to start, but it is the ultimate chess move for anyone on the losing end of a conflict (see Stifler v. Finch, American Pie). There's tons more to be discuss on this topic, but somehow I think I've already said enough.

2. Stop dissing Drake and start dissing Bill Cosby.

NBC / Via

There is currently no bigger punching bag in America than Bill Cosby, so what would be the harm in piling on at this point? Of course they're both from Philadelphia, which may look bad to some, but no worse than being from the mean streets and losing a rap battle to the former star of a Canadian teen drama. Bottom line, if you're looking for an easy victory, accompanied by a pat on the back and other accolades, who's better to tee off on than Pill...I mean, Bill Cosby? He's a hypocrite and an overall despicable human being, who no one should feel sorry for, under any circumstance. (See how you're back on my side now, even after suggesting Meek Mill attempt coitus with Drake's mother? Works every time.)

3. Get Rob Ford on the next diss track.

CBC News / Via

I can't believe Meek's camp hasn't already reached out to former Toronto mayor and current Google Image legend, Rob Ford. If I was on their losing team, I'd be calling Ford's office every hour on the hour, as if I was trying to win a radio station contest for free tickets to an event that's been sold out for months. You know, like OVO Fest. Okay, bad example.

(Side note: I defy you to click the Rob Ford Google Image link above and find a single photo that isn't meme-worthy.)

4. Dump Nicki Minaj and say, "She made me do it."

Young Money Entertainment / Via

Yes, you no longer get to have sex with one of the most beautiful women in the world, but on the bright side, at least you're no longer losing to the adult version of this.

5. Have Sylvester Stallone be the Mike Tyson to your Canibus.

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"Second Round K.O." remains the greatest moment of Canibus's career (showing up in silver body paint to perform at the 1998 VMAs was a close last) partly due to how vicious and masterfully written it is, but mostly due to the inclusion of Mike Tyson. I mean, Mike freaking Tyson! Pre-face tattoo Mike Tyson at that.

The addition took "Second Round K.O." from being excellent to being epic. Couldn't Meek Mill evoke a little bit of that magic for himself by bringing in Sylvester Stallone for a diss song (possibly featuring Rob Ford)? You're right, probably not, seeing as Canibus is 20x the lyricist Meek Mill is, but you have to admit, the Rocky/Philly elements would be a damn strong statement. And that's not even mentioning how great the bro hugging montage would be after running 20 miles in soft sand.

6. Disappear for a couple months, come back, and claim to have been taking care of an ill family member.

Kevin / Via

This just might be Meek's best, most realistic option. It worked for Cam'ron in his 2007 beef with 50 Cent; I don't see why it couldn't work for Meek in 2015. Go on vacation from the public eye for a few months, resurface, tell your "story" on a prominent radio station, and resume your career. Seems like a winner to me.

7. Convince Lil B to give Drake the Based Curse.

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We all witnessed the power of the Based God's curse during the 2015 NBA playoffs. James Harden was caught stealing swag and refused to pay homage to Lil B. It was all downhill from there.

If Meek can convince Nicki to convince Lil B to give Drake the Based Curse, Drake's career will crumble and Meek's will rise like a house built with steel reinforcement bars during an earthquake. That is to say Meek will stay put, but by virtue of Drake falling, it will appear he rose. At this point, a win is a win.

8. Pretend like nothing is wrong and make incredible music.

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Meek Mill's boss, Rick Ross, executed this strategy to perfection in 2009-10 during his infamous beef with 50 Cent. Ross was getting pummeled with music, funny videos, and facts so badly, that even 50's biggest rival, The Game, admitted Fif was winning in a February 2009 interview. So what did Ross do after a series of failed diss records and startlingly corny nicknames for 50 like "Curly" and "Monkey"?

...Well, he actually decided to call out Eminem, but after that, he went quiet on the situation and returned with his best album to date, Teflon Don. I'm not sure if Meek has a Teflon Don-level album in him, but if he does, I would suggest he put it out as soon as possible.

(Side note: Ross should thank the Lord everyday Eminem decided to not respond because we all know the track record of music careers post-venomous Eminem diss.)

9. Two words: Hologram Aaliyah.

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Drake's affinity for Aaliyah has been well documented (he has a freaking tattoo of her face on his back!), so imagine the tremors Meek performing with an Aaliyah hologram would send throughout the industry. He could even kick it up a notch by sampling an Aaliyah song and throwing shots at Drake on it. I would suggest either "Back & Forth" or "We Need A Resolution," because I feel like either can be easily manipulated into a potentially devastating diss record (possibly featuring Rob Ford).

I like to imagine Drake already has an Aaliyah hologram in his home for personal use, which would ratchet up the pain, knowing his relationship with Aaliyah in hologram form could never be the same. My only other suggestion would be to avoid unleashing this idea on August 25th.

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