She's Got Game Nicknames

Nicknames were a staple of the VH1 dating show wonder years (2006-2010), but when She’s Got Game premiered, they were noticeably (most likely, only by myself) missing. This is patently unacceptable, so like the hero I am, I decided to step in for the West Coast legend and come up with my own nicknames for the ladies.

Brittany A.

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Nickname: Caricature

Explanation: Initially, I thought to myself “Brittany A. looks like a caricature of Fran Fine drawn by a struggling street artist.” Then I remembered there was an actual caricature of Fran Fine in the intro to The Nanny, and on the “Sexy Cartoon Scale” she was a 10, so even if she was drawn by a struggling street artist, it wouldn’t equal Brittany A. My next thought was “she looks like caricature of a skinny Monica Lewinsky drawn by a struggling street artist,” and that was perfect!

Thanks to rap music, the name Monica Lewinsky is now a euphemism for a blow job, so to avoid that, I went plainly with Caricature.

Brittany B.

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Nickname: Toy Kardashian

Explanation: Brittany B. looks like an imitation Kardashian, and toy cars are imitations of real cars, hence the nickname Toy Kardashian. The only thing that would’ve made this better is if Ray J picked her instead of Big Boy.

On another note, is it just me or does Brittany B. smiling sort of look like Taraji P. Henson crying? Maybe even a little Mr. Centipede, from the film adaptation of James and the Giant Peach, in there as well?

Brittany B.

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Nickname: Toy Kardashian aka Crying Taraji aka Mr. Centipede

Explanation: This just feels right.

Destinee

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Nickname: Promithes

Explanation: Despite Destinee also looking like a pretty Goomba from the 1993 abomination Super Mario Bros., it was ultimately too tough to overlook the Kiely Williams of 3LW parallels.

Jennifer

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Nickname: A.W.A. (Average With Attitude)

Explanation: Jennifer’s nickname is obviously inspired by the much anticipated Straight Outta Compton, now in theaters nationwide. Compared to most of the other girls, Jennifer is average appearance-wise. Despite this, she has decided giving The Game an attitude, and being slightly mean, is her path to victory, which brings me to an excerpt from my never upcoming relationship novel, It’s Just Easier To Lie To Her:

“For too long the 'men like a challenge' myth has gone unchecked. Men don’t like a challenge, we like attractiveness. A woman’s level of attractiveness, multiplied by a man’s level of horniness determines how much of a 'challenge' he’s willing to deal with. And yes, I realize this all sounds incredibly shallow and it’s because that’s exactly what it is. We are all shallow, whether we want to admit it or not, but men most definitely are.”

The truly fascinating part is during the episode, the man who picked her for The Game, Irv Gotti, specifically told her to deploy the exact opposite strategy. Here’s their exchange:

Gotti: "Try your hardest to be the best friend."

Jennifer: "Right."

Gotti: "The last thing you want is drama."

Jennifer: "Right, you wanna build memories, not headaches."

I just don’t get it.

All other nicknames I was considering were Flashdance related because of her hair.

Kiki

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Nickname: Morals?

Explanation: Kiki is a good, church-going girl with morals from Mississippi, but I believe we’re all predisposed to question the morals of any church-goer who thinks going on a reality show to compete with 9 other women for the temporary affection of a man is a part of God’s plan. That is why “Morals?” (yes, with the question mark) is the perfect name for Kiki.

Melissa

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Nickname: Not Demi

Explanation: Melissa is from London and was picked by Miami’s own DJ Khaled, which led me to wonder why he didn’t just pick Demi Rose? Demi is a London girl living in Miami and she’s in Taz’s Angels, so you know she’s bout it. If you follow Taz’s Angels on Snapchat, you know they’re rarely busy, plus over a year after the announcement, their reality TV still hasn’t aired, so again, why not Demi?

Initially, I was going to give Melissa a bootleg Spice Girl name, such as Regular Spice or Attention Seeking Spice, but since I couldn’t shake the thought of her not being Demi whenever she was on camera, I think it’s appropriate we call her Not Demi.

Priscilla

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Nickname: LL Sue J

Explanation: It was tremendously tough to overlook Priscilla’s unmistakably fake booty when coming up with her nickname, but the Jackson family traits were too strong. Priscilla clearly has Jackson-esque facial features and hair, but the fact that she also has the soft, slightly nasally Jackson voice put things over the top.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the “LL” and “J” in LL Sue J stand for “long lost Jackson.” As far as the “Sue” goes, well, you know.

(Side note: Ladies, please stop getting overly pointy fake booties. It never looks natural, or even good for that matter, because no human’s actual butt is shaped like an ant’s gaster.)

Rebecca

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Nickname: Losing Isaiah

Explanation: First, let me say how it truly hurts me to do this because Rebecca is so damn fine, but her nickname has to be Losing Isaiah. See, much like Khaila Richards (Halle Berry) in Losing Isaiah, Rebecca has ditched her son to get high. Khaila’s drug of choice was crack, Rebecca’s is fame and attention.

Shay

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Nickname: S...h...a...y

Explanation: Shay speaks incredibly slow, so her nickname was going to simply be “Slow.” In the end, it wasn’t creative enough and I decided to go with S...h...a...y. Ellipses are typically used to represent an omission of words, but in this case they represent an omission of time, so her nickname is essentially her own name said extremely slowly. Brilliant!

...But I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention how much Shay’s eyebrows make her look like Dorian (Peter Greene) when he wore the mask in The Mask.

Sierra

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Nickname: Dead Gorgeous

Explanation: Sierra is obviously drop dead gorgeous, and the woman I would pick if I were The Game, but she also kind of looks like a dead body in a casket. I know, a tad harsh and I’m terribly sorry, but I mean, damn. Maybe it’s her makeup, maybe it’s her face, all I’m saying is if we were hanging out and she blinked for too long, I might call for an ambulance.

Now that I have successfully ruined any and every possible chance I had of being a rebound for one of these ladies, I’ll close by telling you to watch She’s Got Game Monday nights at 9PM on VH1.