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    Aug 22, 2014

    12 Things Which Will Happen Before You Explore All Of No Man's Sky

    With No Man's Sky developers Hello Games recently announcing that there will be 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 planets to explore on release, someone very bright calculated that, if you were to spend a second on each planet, it would take around 5 billion years to explore the whole thing. That's a long time, so here is a list of some stuff that might happen before you manage to see it all.

    1. The Simpsons will run out of content

    LardLad / Via

    It's hard to imagine this happening, what with the TV show entering it's 26th season soon, but 5 billion years really is a long time.

    2. Half Life 3 will be confirmed / Via

    Any gamer who first entered the Black Mesa facility in Half Life and had literally the worst first day on the job will be wanting to see Gordon Freeman's adventures continue in Half Life 3, even if it really does take 5 billion years.

    3. The latest iPhone will be so thin, it'll be inside out / Via Yahoo!

    There are three surefire things in this world - death, taxes, and iPhones. Apple produces new models at an alarming rate, and they seem to be getting thinner. Following it's current trajectory, we'll have hit 'paper thin' by the time you discover Tatooine, and 'cross-dimensional' by the time you land on Omicron Persei 8.

    4. Mankrik will have found his wife

    Trolling Azeroth / Via

    For any veteran World of Warcraft players out there, Mankrik is a bit of a cult icon, especially for Horde players. His wife, Olgra, has been murdered by marauding Quilboar in The Barrens, and he tasks new players with finding her. Only problem is that the zone is huge, she's incredibly well hidden and you haven't got a clue where she might be, leading the local chat to overflow with such high-flung intellectual inquiry as "WHERE THE HELL IS THIS GODFORSAKEN WOMAN".

    Maybe one day, Mankrik. Maybe one day.

    5. The Sun will burn out

    A little more on the morbid side, sure, but it doesn't make it any less true. By the time the Sun starts dimming, the human race will probably be imitating your journey through No Man's Sky just to survive.

    And then who will be laughing?

    6. There will be more species of Pokémon than there are people

    YouthCrash / Via

    Sure, there's a buttload of Pokémon in the games now, but if you give the crazy minds over at GameFreak a few billion years, there will be Pokémon for everything. Car Pokémon. Desk Pokémon. There will even be Pokémon which specialise in low-risk hedge funds and property development. One might even be running for President before you reach halfway.

    7. Roy Keane might actually smile

    SportsKeeda / Via

    The ex-Manchester United captain has a wide range of facial expressions ranging from discontented to homicidal, but has struggled over the span of his lifetime to relax his pained expression and turn that frown upside-down. Go on Roy, you managed to put up with Adrian Chiles for longer than most, give us a grin!

    8. The Westboro Baptist Church will have their first gay member

    Wikipedia / Via

    The adventures of the Westboro Baptist Church have been captured well by several journalists, though most notably for me would be Louis Theroux. Having spent some time in their company while they picketed funerals and dedicated an unnatural amount of time to their own homemade arts and crafts classes, it became clear that some members of the sect were less than endeared to the notion of telling the rest of the world that they suck a whole lot. As the cracks start to show, it can only be a matter of time before the first openly gay member infiltrates the Westboro Baptist Church.

    9. Dr. Dre will release his 'Detox' album

    Aftermath Music / Via

    It's been nearly 15 years since Dre released his last album, '2001', and even the most devout fan must have stopped counting the days by now. The reasons behind him not releasing the album could range anywhere from him being out of the game for too long, to the roughly $800 million dollars he's currently knitting into a sweater since Apple acquired his Beats Electronics company. Does he need to bother when he can use $100 bills as toilet paper?

    Uh, nah. Probably not.

    10. Battlefield 4 will work properly

    DICE / Via BF4

    I love the Battlefield games, and have done for years now. I even managed to get onto the beta for their new game Hardline, and it was pretty fun. What isn't fun, mind you, is a game which disconnects, blue screens and just generally wants to give you the finger. Developers DICE, in their wonderful way, identified the issues and have worked tirelessly to fix them, as well as giving some free stuff to those suffering the problems.

    It's still a bit prone to problems, but if I can return from my 5 billion year excursion to the perimeters of No Man's Sky and join a tasty team deathmatch, then who am I to complain?

    11. Snoop Dogg will renounce the reefer

    Death and Taxes mag / Via

    Snoop is hardly subtle about his love for the green stuff, but even the most dedicated smoker could give it up, right? Yeah, I'm skeptical too, but the guy has a seriously long time to go teetotal, and based on his current form I'd surmise that the Earth will run dry before you even leave the solar system.

    12. 5D printing / Via Google

    I was originally going to put 4D printing here, until I found out it's actually a thing. Some bright people have found a way to print stuff with the capability of transforming into something pre-determined. Pretty bananas, eh?

    If I was to be pedantic, I'd complain that it's not really fourth dimensional printing, but in reality Stratasys has kind of called dibs. Instead, I'm going to go with 5D printing which has definitely not been done yet. Infact, I'm not really sure how you would print in 4D (isn't that 'time', or something?) and I couldn't even tell you what the fifth dimension actually is, so I bid the human race the best of luck.

    Besides, this is the concern of mere mortals, not the cool person planet hopping through the No Man's Sky universe (that's you, by the way!).

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