Books·Posted on Jul 17, 2018Just 17 Tweets For You If You Desperately Need A Laugh"I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said, 'Enjoy your night' so I said, 'Not today, thanks' and left."by Farrah PennBuzzFeed Staff WriterLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Ditz McGee 🍁 @deedles420 in case of emergency, hurl your enormous penis out the nearest window, and climb to safety. 06:24 AM - 09 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. tori ❁ @torii_somerss bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother” i won 11:22 PM - 03 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. Josh @iwearaonesie me: I'm gonna pick you up and move you somewhere safe turtle: I'm going to bite your fucking finger 01:39 PM - 25 Jun 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Tom @tdawks 🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶 09:56 AM - 10 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Tinker Elle @elle91 I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said "enjoy your night" so I said "not today, thanks" and left. 08:23 PM - 01 Sep 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. viking @NOTVIKING oh come on https://t.co/6hwCMMomX3 04:53 PM - 04 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. julio torres ~* @juliothesquare I believe in reincarnation because I KNOW I was the Trojan guard who saw the Trojan Horse and was like "wow, stunning, yes! Open the gates! Let it in, omg a big horse" 12:02 AM - 04 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Alyssa Limperis @alyssalimp The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17 04:05 PM - 23 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Llama In A Tux @LlamaInaTux i am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘duck looking for: ⚪️ A relationship ⚪️ A friendship 🔘 some grapes 11:53 PM - 08 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. schmox @IvoryGazelle [inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti 01:54 PM - 25 Jul 2017 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. M@thew @TweetPotato314 Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal. Me: Oh, who got the last spot? Coach: Umm Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws? 01:18 PM - 05 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. gracie hoos @cottoncandaddy paranormal investigator: this entity feels malicious. I'm sensing a lot of bad energy ghost: [through ouija board] h a h a d u d e y o u r j e a n s s u c k investigator: *choking back tears* wow it's really bad you guys ghost: a r e t h o s e f u c k i n g b o o t c u t 01:27 AM - 05 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. BRENDA @msbhaven81 🎶I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more... *me trying to find my car in a parking garage. 11:19 AM - 30 May 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Troutman @robotrowboat [inventing archery] I’d stab that guy if he wasn’t so far away 11:09 AM - 29 Jun 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Hana Michels @HanaMichels Nobody's coming to my pizzarrhea I don't get it!!! 04:21 PM - 09 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. megan @littlestwayne people who wear yellow shirts under denim overalls are so brave.... i can’t imagine the strength it must take to go out in public wearing the minion’s uniform 01:05 AM - 16 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. Beckaboo @thebeckyard “Confidence is sexy,” I whisper to myself as I approach the free samples station in the grocery store for the 5th time. 04:41 PM - 05 Jul 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite