1.
if you're on a date and really not feeling it, say "poultry bosom" when ordering the chicken breast and the other person will just leave
2.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
3.
If she’s making eye contact while slowly putting her hair in a ponytail you’re either going to die or get a blow job.
4.
Okay I have a confession to make- I once held my own Bachelorette contest where I matched with a bunch of guys on tinder, went on dates with them and slowly eliminated the ones I didn’t like. It was the most dramatic season yet and no one got the final rose
5.
FRIEND: Just don’t be awkward on the first date. ME: Awkward? I’m never awkward. [on the date] ME: Will you walk me to the bathroom?
6.
girlfriend: don't tell my dad we have sex, he freaks out that i'll get pregnant her dad: hey bud you coming inside? me: [clearly panicking] what no, i would never
7.
[lying in bed after sex] Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
8.
[on a romantic dinner date] girlfriend: *takes some of my fries* me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*
9.
Oh. My. God.
10.
[into walkie talkie during sex] I'm getting ready to penetrate, over Her: um, this isn't working for me You gotta push the button, over
11.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type? ME: {seductively} One sec. [2 minutes later] ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
12.
[first date] ok dont let them know i stalked them online them: my aunt-- me: theresa or sharon
13.
(brings date to the bedroom) will you check under the bed for monsters
14.
Friend: Put a banana in ur pants to impress her Me: ok [Later] Date: tell me about urself Me: there's a banana in one of my pants back home
15.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the "pull out" method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
16.
[Watching sex scene in a movie] Date: These scenes are so unrealistic Me: I know like he hasn't even apologised yet
17.
her: say those three words and i’m yours me: oppa gangnam style
18.
[at the movies] ME: would you like some pop- (suddenly remembering my date calls it soda) would you like some sodacorn
19.
[watching porn] I hope they stay together
20.
you: dick pics me, an intellectual: richard pictures
21.
[First date] Her dad: I want her home before midnight Me: but you already own her home Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don't sleep with him, I will
22.
friend: just act mature me: okay [later on date] her: so what do you do for fun? me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
23.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven's 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
24.
Date: What do you do? Me: [holds up menu] you just choose a meal from this book of food
25.
[blind date] HER: I'm a big country fan ME {trying to impress her}: China is very large