7 Easy Steps To Shooting Yourself In The Foot

Whether your feet were too hot, too heavy, or too likely to conquer Europe you decided that the right decision would be to send some lead through those puppies. Regardless, With these 7 easy steps you will have lighter feet and also some sweet cooling holes. *NOTE* Only with these steps based on my personal experiences and the failings of a European Dynasty you will be able to do this in the safest manner possible.

1. Have a Foot to Shoot

How can you shoot something that doesn't exist? Therefore step one is acquiring feet or ensuring that you still have possession of your original pair.

For the Habsburg Family to (unintentionally) sabotage themselves, there first had to be something to sabotage. The feet of the Habsburg's were built out of marriage and inheritance. Four major marriages led to a massive expansion of control for the Habsburg family without any conquest.

First, Maximilian I of Austria had the lands of the Holy Roman Empire as the emperor under his control and added Burgundy and eventually the Netherlands when his wife inherited French lands upon her father's death.

Second, Maxamillian's son, Ferdinand I, married Anna Jagellonica (also known as Anna of Bohemia and Hungary) to gain Bohemia and Hungary.

Third, Around the same time there was a Spanish consolidation of land when Ferdinand II of Aragon and Isabella I of Castile married combining their lands.

Fourth, The largest combination happened when Maximilian's son, Phillip, married the daughter, Joan, of the Spanish Ferdinand and Isabella connecting the Austrians and Spanish. The large unification happened when Phillip's oldest son, Charles, became Holy Roman Emperor and thereby inherited all the gathered lands.

2. Reduce Change of Missing Through Gene Selection

How do you think Hobbits got their large feet? That's right, Inbreeding!

Now that you have a foot to shoot it's time to make preparations to avoid missing. You may be thinking to yourself "How is that even possible to miss my own foot?" Well I'm here to tell you that your 100+ hours in Call of Duty didn't prepare you for this (and it's better safe then sorry.) While it's true you could learn proper aiming technique and be trained in how to operate a firearm, it's much easier to toy with your genes to simply get a larger target. This may seem counter-intuitive, but the lost weight will more than make up for it.

Marrying influential people had got the Habsburgs into power and they certainly weren't going to stop. The problem was that the most powerful and influential people were their fellow Habsburgs, causing health problems. It was very common for families to inner marry to protect their territories and the Habsburgs were no exception. The only difference is that the Habsburgs played genetic roulette, and lost. An unfortunately dominant and nasty trait emerged and intensified as well as other deformities as a result of the inbreeding . This deformity was known as the Habsburg Jaw which means your jaw protrudes further than it's supposed to, causing difficulty eating and talking. Charles V, the initial unifier of Habsburg lands, suffered from this deformity as well as epilepsy and the gout. The effect of the inbreeding can also be seen in Charles II of Spain who had severe Habsburg jaw as well as many other mental and physical disabilities.

3. Surround Yourself with People Sympathetic to your Cause

I'm sure these guys would support you!

After finding your feet and some light genetic tinkering you may be having some doubts about shooting yourself in the foot. It's not uncommon to have some doubts coming into the final stretch. The best way to remedy this uncertainty is to surround yourself with people who support you. People who support your goal of shooting yourself in the foot.

The Habsburgs found no shortage of people to support their demise throughout Europe. First of all, and the most clearly, would be France. The joining of the Austrian and Spanish Habsburgs created a kind of box around France. The French dedicated the next long period purely to breaking the power of the Habsburg. It seemed like many of the powers in Europe were willing to focus on the Habsburgs simply to keep their power in check. The English checked both the Spanish and Austrian Habsburgs as well when supporting Dutch rebels. The Spanish Habsburgs were checked up and down the English Channel when the Spanish Armada was mostly destroyed. The Habsburgs even found support from the Pope. While the Holy Roman Emperor was usually crowned by the pope, the Habsburgs payed much less attention to his wishes after Charles V became emperor. Also, the quick growth made the pope worry about the loss of his own power of Europe.

4. Allow Athlete’s Foot to Grow on the Feet

(You're Welcome)

Now this may initially seem pointless and stupid for this to happen, well it's not. You've got a lot of stuff going on right now, talking to your new found support group about your imminent self destruction and adjusting to your new massive feet. So busy that you don't notice the growth of athletes foot until the horrible itching begins. Once again, don't worry, this is all a part of the plan. Besides, the athletes foot acts like the good bacteria in yogurt and increases foot health. Trust me, it's science.

The Habsburgs were very busy keeping the supporters of their destruction busy. With the English and the dutch in the North and the French to their center as well as south in Italy. Charles V was so busy that he neglected a spread back home until it was too late to stop. The Protestant reformation movement started by Martin Luther was gaining foothold in Germany. The fact that Charles was occupied with external pressures and the decentralized political structure of the Holy Roman Empire aided the spread of Reformation ideas. The relatively independent cities had higher public participation in politics which also helped the spread of reformation. When Charles was finally able to address the reformation it had already ingrained itself in Germany. Although Charles initially had success against the Schmalkaldic League of Protestant German Princes, he wasn't able to stop reformation. Charles was forced to acknowledge Protestantism to keep some sort of unity in the Holy Roman Empire, it still created a large internal division within a major piece of Habsburg control.

5. Take the Shot

This Guy has the right idea!

This is it, the big moment you've been waiting for. After finding feet, genetically modifying them, gathering friends and contracting athlete's foot, you're finally ready to shoot yourself in the foot.

As Charles V was stepping down from power due to health reasons as a result of inbreeding he shot the chances of European dominance fully in the foot. He decided that it was impossible to manage the two parts of family with the great distance and the French in between them as well as the long time it took to deliver messages. It was best summed up by the Cardinal Antoine Perrenot de Granvelle who said "If death came from Spain, I should be immortal." Charles gave the Austrian lands to Ferdinand I who held the title of Holy Roman Emperor in addition to traditional Austrian Habsburg Lands and the Kingdoms of Bohemia and Hungary. The Spanish Lands went to Charles's son, Phillip II, who got Spain, the Italian lands, the Netherlands, and the land in the new world.

6. Take Another Shot

You added some extra ventilation to one of your large feet and should be proud of your (lack) of accomplishment! You may be noticing a strange sensation though, unbalance. While one foot is now crippled, the other is completely normal it’s time to finish the job and completely disable yourself.

The second shot to the Habsburg families chances of European domination after the split of Spanish and Austrian Habsburgs came in the form of further splitting within each part of the Habsburgs. More specifically, we see the severe shrinking a rotting of the Spanish line. Although the actual death of the timeline takes place a few years outside of the timeline with the death of Charles II, the birth effects get more and more severe and have increased effects on leadership ability. This was a result of no new blood being introduced into the line. The original Austrian line also completely died out outside of the timeline, while also showing the effects of their previous mistakes mounting. Once again the Habsburg chin became more severe along with other defects as a result of not adding new blood to the family line.

7. Play Some Soccer

With your fancy new feet aerated, it's time to take them for a test spin. What better way to show off how you shot yourself in the foot than trying to compete with others in a riveting game of soccer?

Now that the Habsburgs had seemingly crippled themselves, it was time to test how crippled they had truly become. This chance came when the Protestant state of Bohemia started rebelling against Austrian Habsburg control, thereby striking off another conflict which would be known as the Thirty Year's War. This caused the friends that the Habsburgs made in step 3, such as the Danish, Dutch, and well trained Swedish forces to also begin attacking with support from France. The successful coalition of the Spanish and Austrian Habsburg as a result of the attacks on the Austrians provoked their enemies to try even harder to check them. Specifically it drew the French from a leadership role in the anti Habsburg group to an active combatant role. The cracks created by the split of the house was seen when the Portuguese started rebelling against the Spanish. This meant that the Spanish took some priority away from helping the Austrians to their own land. The separation and less unity made pincering movements against the Austrians and Spanish much more effective. This can also be seen by the fact that the Austrians stopped fighting around 10 years before the Spanish Habsburgs. When the Austrians stopped fighting they had to acknowledge checks on their imperial power in the Holy Roman Empire. The treaty of Pyrenees which ended the French-Spanish conflict forced the Spanish to come to terms with their vincibility. With the results of the 30 Year's war it was clear that any possibility of Habsburg dominance was completely shattered.

Shattered just like your Lisfranc (midfoot) after shooting yourself in the foot! After the soccer game and following all 7 steps it should be clear that you were 100% successful in shooting yourself in the foot and crippling any chance of domination you may have had. Congratulations!

Congratulations!