1. “Hide cookies in your baby’s crib to motivate you to visit your baby during the day.”
2. “Play Beethoven into your womb loudly enough to ensure your child will also be born a deaf genius.”
4. “Is your child an allergy angel? Tattoo ‘Peanut Allergy’ on their sweet, fragile forehead to make sure no one mistakes them for a normal.”
5. “Make allergy friendly Pea-NOT Butter using a blender and some wet phonebooks.”
6. “Use a laser-pointer so your vegan children can chase cruelty-free ‘fireflies.’”
7. “Buy But You Might Die, Sweet One—a children’s book to teach your 7-year-old the dangers of you not breastfeeding him.”
8. “Make a cute hand-crocheted escape ladder so your children don’t burn in their beds.”
9. “DIY a bedazzled pacifier for your teething diva.”
10. “Feed your baby Nutella so all that comes out is delicious-smelling warm Nutella.”
11. “Fun Craft Project: stuff an old shirt & pants w/ straw & a blank paper plate face where kids can paint what they think their dad looks like.”
12. “Keep your baby’s fashion glasses in place by putting a drop of molten wax behind both their ears.”
13. “Save your placenta for a fun, life-affirming surprise in your child’s 5th birthday pinata.”
14. “Help your teen rebel safely with organic homemade cigarettes.”
15. “Never lose memories! Keep a photo album with a picture of your daughter in the bathtub every day from her first bath to the bath her father gives her before her wedding.”
16. “Teach bullies to knit! Problem solved.”
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