Aries
Mar 21 – Apr 19
People love a mystery. When two people are having a conversation, whisper something in one person’s ear that they can’t understand, while staring at the other person. Both people will want to know what was said, and you can just tell them never mind. You will be revered as an enigma.
Taurus
Apr 20 – May 20
Be adventurous and don’t be afraid to take chances. Even if someone snaps a picture of you doing a bong rip, naked at a frat house, and a prospective employer will hold that against you, you wouldn’t want to work for those stuffed-shirts anyway.
Gemini
May 21 – Jun 20
Share wisdom with others. If a child asks if Santa Claus is real, ask them what they think about it. They will most likely say that they think Santa Clause is real. Then give them all of the evidence to the contrary and ask if their opinion has changed. You can take pride in the fact you have helped a youth.
Cancer
Jun21 -Jul 22
Be kind to elderly people. Chances are they will die pretty soon and they may remember you in their will.
Leo
July 23 – Aug 22
Go out of your way to say kind words. Call your Mom and tell her that he hasn’t been annoying you that much lately. Tell a cop you’re happy to see he’s out of the coffee shop. Reassure a mother that the ugly ones usually grow up to be smart.
Virgo
Aug 23 – Sep 22
Be open to new experiences. If you decide to become a massage therapist, and you walk into a job with John Travolta in the room, you will learn more in one massage than all of the other massages you will ever give.
Libra
Sep 23 – Oct 22
Take a chance in love. Instead of being the first to say, “I love you”, say “I love you, too” instead. That way, when the other person says that they never said, “I love you”, you can respond by saying, “Oh, that’s a relief, I was just saying it back so things wouldn’t be awkward.”
Scorpio
Oct 23 -Nov 21
Don’t judge a book by its cover, open it up and read the inside flap. You’ll get the gist of it and you’ll start to remember that you hate to read anyway.
Sagittarius
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Be considerate of others. After stealing beer out of you neighbors garage, invite him over to have a cold one. He will be happy to have a beer since he does not have any, and the fact that it is the same brand that was stolen will give you something to talk about.
Capricorn
Dec 22 – Jan 19
If you’re worried about contracting STD’s, quote Shakespeare when you go out. You will surely never get laid this way.
Aquarius
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Change you name to Mashed Potatoes. There’s about a .01% chance that Meatloaf will call you and want to form a duet. If not, you’re sort of fucked.
Pisces
Feb 19 -Mar 20
Next time you hear an Aerosmith song on the radio, turn it up and listen. That way, for about five minutes, you will remember Steven Tyler as a rock star instead of the douchiest man alive.
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