The First Wives Club Reunion We Never Had... Thanks For Nothing, Oscar!

The Academy Awards failed us in more ways than one last night! Leo didn't get an Oscar? Fine. Meryl didn't get an Oscar? How dare you? But the biggest atrocity of all... the missed opportunity for a First Wives Club reunion! The facts are these...

We ALL Remember This Glorious Moment in Cinematic History

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You're lying to yourself if you claim you don't. And if you genuinely don't remember it then I don't need you in my life. I was 9 years old when this movie came out and I still hang on to every word!

We ALL felt like empowered women because of it!

Goldie, Diane, and Bette singing "You Don't Own Me" were ALL OF US singing "You Don't Own Me" to everybody who has ever ...erhm.... tried to own us!!! "Honey, come quick. Take a look at this!".... what!?...."YOU DON'T OOOWN MEEEE"

In 2011 the ladies reunited... and it was good!

Via Perez HIlton

I could feel my insides dropping to the floor! My heart raced! Could it be!?!? Would they come back for one more performance! A First Wives Club 2: The Cynthia Swann Griffin Crisis Center for Women Edition where we see how these legends and exemplary women have helped the masses! Maybe!?!

Alas, it was a no!

A BIG. FAT. KNIFE IN THE HEART. NO!

BUT THEN......

ONE FATEFUL NIGHT, MARCH 2nd!! THE OSCARS 2014!! STARS CAME TOGETHER....

Bette was there!

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Brenda Morelli herself! Looking fabulous as ever, keeping the weight off. That dress is better than new! It's the first time its fit her in years!!

She is also glowing! Surely her relationship with Morty is healthier and more loving than ever... even if he is a crook!

Bette took the stage and she was marvelous!

Never change, Brenda....including outfits! I don't know how I feel about this dress. Did you let Duarto pick it!?

And then, just like the sun, Goldie decided to shine on that red carpet too! 2/3 of the women in the house! I die!

Elise Elliot already has an Oscar! She's just there for the drinks. Just kidding, she's 18 years sober, ya'll! But look at her! Go ahead, LOOK! Ready to shake her hips and climb on chairs once more! Tonight could be the night. I've never prayed the rosary this hard before.

Goldie took the stage and she was gracious!

She presented some of the nominees for Best Picture, and she spoke those words with her science fiction lips!!

2/3 of the women had taken the stage and we all know how fabulous they are on "stage" together!!

(that's the biggest picture i could find given her "unprofitable age" and all)

Finally, Diane Keaton showed up and was looking.... oh, wait....

...wait, what!?!?!? She wasn't even there!?!?! Are you effin kidding me!?!? That's a picture of her at the Golden Globes!? She sang for Woody Allen!?! Why wasn't she at the Oscars?! Did she even get invited!?! Annie MacDuggan, didn't your mother tell you it was Oscar night!?!?! You were supposed to complete the trinity of wonder!! WHERE THE EFF WAS SHE!!?!? WHEEEERE!?! I FEEL LIKE A CRAZY PERSON!!! HOW DID WE SCREW THIS UP!?!?!!

This could have been them, but Oscar was playing!!!

And that is NOT a game I wanted to play!! My life, once more, was ruined!

One more missed opportunity, The Academy had one shot and blew it...

Sure, a reunited rendition of "You Don't Own Me" wouldn't have made sense with the overall show, but COME ON!!! John i-no-longer-make-sense Travolta called Idina Menzel "Adele Dazim" and the show kept going. Cate Blanchett told Julia Roberts to "hashtagsuckit" and that made zero sense, but the Academy recovered! THEY COULD HAVE FIT THIS IN EFFORTLESSLY!

This is happiness we may never see again. Dim the lights and cue every sad song ever written. Someone get me that Cynthia Swann Crisis Center number!

Once more for good measure.

Maybe someday.....