1. First of all, why? And secondly, how dare you?
2. Why are you so hard to put on?
3. Like, I have to hop around in order to put on skinny jeans. Why?
4. Why do you make shopping so hard for tall AND short people? Can't you just figure your shit out?
5. Why do colors like acid-washed exist? Who would possibly think the words "acid" and "washed" would sound great paired together, let alone also look great?
6. On that note: Why do you even come in corduroy?
7. Do leggings count as pants? My leggings have an elastic band, so why don't all pants just copy leggings?
8. Do you ever feel like people who wear dresses and shorts are openly judging you?
9. Like, people look forward to removing you every day. How does that feel?
10. Why aren't all the waistbands on jeans made with elastic?
11. I mean, when people unbuckle and say, "I need to make room!" shouldn't that be a hint that elastic bands are NECESSARY?
12. Who decided low-rise was a good idea?
13. Why do jeans get tighter when I eat, instead of just giving a little bit so I don't feel like I'm slowly being ziplocked into my own clothing? Treat others as you'd like to be treated.
14. And sometimes you don't fit exactly right, so I'm supposed to get my jeans tailored. Who the fuck do you think you are?
15. Why do you hate thighs? What did they ever do to you?
16. And how is it OK for you to just get a random hole if said thighs do what they're NATURALLY SUPPOSED TO DO and move a lot against each other?
17. To that point: Why do you hate butts?
18. Basically, why do you keep getting holes that I then have to get tailored? So I ask again, who the fuck do you think you are?
19. Who are you fooling with the size of your pockets? What could I possibly fit in there, other than my own tears?
20. Why label yoga pants as "pants"? They're literally the opposite of everything that's wrong with pants.
21. Maybe jeans should all come in yoga form? I'm not saying we all need to do yoga, but, again, DAT ELASTIC.
22. Are you trying to punish me for something when the zipper gets stuck? Who gave you that authority?
23. Why do you insist on holding the heat in when summertime rolls around? If we're going to get through this humidity, we're going to have to do it together, damnit.
24. When did the term "wearing the pants" come to define who the boss is in any given situation? Who gave you the right to make that a thing?
25. Why does your color bleed in the wash? Don't you think I have enough to deal with?
26. Why aren't all jeans measured in one way, by one specific system? Why do I have to say things, like, "I'm this size in this brand, but a bigger size in this other brand"?
27. How come it takes you so long to get that wonderful worn-in look?
28. Can you also stop shrinking?
29. Why do you think it's OK to constantly be in the process of giving me a wedgie?
30. How am I supposed to afford multiple pairs of you? Can't you just admit that you're too damn expensive? ADMIT. IT.
31. Literally, why are you the most uncomfortable things?
32. Of all the colors you can come in, why would you think white would ever be a safe idea?
33. I don't think you were made for my body type, so whose body type are you for?
34. Why are there so many styles of jeans?
35. And how am I supposed to not slowly go insane by looking at all of them in a department store?
36. You're not wine, you don't get to have this many varieties without having a jean sommelier. Which leads me to my next question, why aren't there jean sommeliers?
37. And finally, can you not? Can you just not?