1. Going to set TWO alarms for the morning just in case one doesn’t go off.
2. I locked the door. Right? Yes. I locked it. Wait, let me just check to make sure it’s locked.
3. Where are my keys? Did I leave them inside?
4. Holy shit… did I turn the coffee maker off?!
5. Yes, I did, but did I turn the hair straightener off too?!
6. House will burn down. Why didn’t I get the apartment insurance?
7. Mom didn’t pick up the phone. Maybe I should call the local hospitals…
8. What’s the weather gonna be like? I should have checked. Do I even have an umbrella in the car?
9. Did I put on deodorant?
10. There’s a cop. There’s a cop. There’s a cop. Holy shit. Slow down. Did they just turn the lights on?
11. Of course I’m late to work on the ONE DAY my boss gets in early. Now she’s glaring at me. Going to get fired.
12. Forgot to lock the car door.
13. Phew, it was locked. It’s locked, right? Let me check again.
14. Why are they whispering? Are they talking about me?
15. Boss just asked me to come into her office. FML. I was right. I’m getting fired.
16. Someone coughed, somewhere. Where’s my Emergen-C?
17. My throat hurts. There’s definitely a scratch. It’s definitely… wait, I’m just thirsty.
18. My stomach made a weird noise… is this what dying is?
19. My chair squeaked and it kind of sounded like a fart. Going to move the chair again so everyone knows it’s THE CHAIR and NOT ME.
20. Now it just sounds like I farted twice. Damnit.
21. Really need to pee, but am so pee shy right now. Been in this stall for wayyyy too long and people will think I’m pooping. Going to get up and go and come back in half an hour.
22. I brought my lunch, but everyone is going out to lunch. Should I eat my lunch? But then everyone will be going out without me…
23. Is that a gray hair?
24. Not a gray hair, but now I see a freckle that looks funny. Is it cancer?
25. When did I get this ketchup stain on my shirt? Wait, how long has it been there and how many people saw it?!
26. Why is that guy smiling at me? Do I have something weird in my teeth?
27. Why didn’t I bring gum? I’m such an idiot for not bringing gum.
28. Gah, no one laughed at that stupid joke I just made. WHY ME?
29. Do I want to go out tonight? I don’t know, do I?
30. Texted them 10 minutes ago, and nothing back yet. They hate me.
31. I’ll text them again. No, wait, then they’ll think I’m overly eager. Or maybe they didn’t like my emoticon? It was too soon to send the BIG smiley one.
32. They texted back, “OK.” (?!?!!?)
33. Can’t concentrate on anything until this person emails me back. EMAIL ME.
34. Haven’t heard back. Should I have started the email with “Dear” instead of “Hey”?
35. OK, thank the gods, they emailed. It feels like everything will be OK now.
36. Why hasn’t anyone faved the tweet I just posted? Should I delete it? Is it too late?
37. I need to find a job where I can work from home so I don’t have to deal with people.
38. Unknown number. Definitely not picking that up. Wait, maybe someone died.
39. Want to leave early, but everyone is still here and will judge me if I leave.
40. What if an earthquake happens while I’m stuck in this traffic?
41. Ahhh, hate coming home when it’s dark out. What if someone tries to mug me?
42. I’ll hold my keys in my hand so that if someone DOES try, I can key their face. Where are my fucking keys?!
43. Can my neighbors hear me watching TV? Are they judging my love of Real Housewives?
44. What was that noise? Is someone trying to break in?
45. It’s so dark when you turn all the lights off though, how will I know if someone’s even in here?
46. …like, what if ghosts are real, though? Is there one in my room right now? OK, now I’m freaking out.
47. Going to have to take a sleeping pill to fall asleep tonight. Better set THREE alarms this time.
- Criticized previously for not forcefully speaking out, Donald Trump condemned anti-Semitism after bomb threats were reported at 11 Jewish centers.
- Milo Yiannopoulos has resigned from Breitbart News after he was accused of defending pedophilia in an old video.
- President Trump has named H.R. McMaster as his new national security adviser, replacing Michael Flynn who resigned last week.
- West Elm pulled the Peggy Couch from its site after years of scathing customer reviews and complaints of buttons popping off 🙈