Emily Gilmore Vs. Lucille Bluth: A Six Bracket Battle

In the land of the rich, drunk and passive aggressive, who is queen?

EMILY GILMORE VS. LUCILLE BLUTH

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RIGHT NOW, you can watch the two baddest bitches on television on Netflix. But which matriarch ultimately wins in a throw-down?

Bracket: MAIDS

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What's inside their bags? Is that your onion?

Team Emily:

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Emily has fired more maids than she owns conservative blazers. She's fired them for walking too loud. Even with the ones she likes, she can't remember their names. She is the queen of not-giving-an-eff about her maids. They're just service units.

Team Lucille:

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But Lucille terrorizes her long-term maid, Lupe, throughout the whole series. Essentially, the maid bracket comes down to is an all-maid blitz vs. slow psychological torture.

Winner: LUCILLE

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Lucille has time to infiltrate every aspect of Lupe's life, from her family to her wardrobe. The true maid terrorist.

Bracket: HUSBANDS

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They're both business tycoons and distant fathers. But which one is scarier backing up his wife in a fight?

Team Emily:

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Richard and Emily are on the same page about almost everything (ignoring Pennilynn Lott.) They hate the same people and love the same people. Damn the Richmonds and their king-size candy bars! Not to mention he is like, scary tall.

Team Lucille:

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He may have had a mistress or 20, but there's no couple better suited to each other. Who else is this Machiavellian AND has never seen a chicken?

Winner: LUCILLE

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By a hair! Let she who has never slept with her husband's twin brother cast the first stone.

Bracket: DAUGHTERS

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Lorelai's a mostly functional inn owner while Lindsay is mostly unemployed. But which one was more terrorized by her mom?

Team Emily:

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Lorelai can smell Emily's disappointment from a mile away. But it's not just a sense of lingering failure. Emily tries to break up Lorelai and Luke, and she can be downright unpleasant when she doesn't get her way.

Team Lucille:

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Lucille will pepper her daughter with criticisms...but don't worry, they're helpful. Everything she says about her can be covered with make-up and a lie about a thyroid problem.

Winner: EMILY

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Lorelai structured her entire life around rebelling against her mother's expectations. And we all know Lindsay's more about the daddy issues, anyway.

Bracket: PARTYING

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WASPs are all about hidden alcoholism. But who hit the sauce harder?

Team Emily:

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When Emily is over it, she smokes and drinks in the world's most fabulous bathrobe.

Team Lucille:

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It's the same deal with Lucille. Only difference is, Lucille is over it all the time.

WINNER: Lucille.

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Duh.

Bracket: RIVALS

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Pushy Gran and Fabulous Lucille 2 are worthy opponents. But who smacked down harder?

Team Emily:

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The only woman who could out-snob Emily was Gran. When Gran wasn't being completely dismissive, she rubbed it in Emily's face how much affection her son felt for her...and how Emily couldn't do anything about it until she was dead.

Team Lucille:

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Lucille's main social rival went on to date all of her sons. That BITCH! Fortunately, Lucille can get back at her with a well-deployed set of Producers tickets.

Winner: EMILY

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Though Lucille may be a more active aggressor, Emily's legendary slow-chewing revenge is the world's greatest revenge.

Bracket: GRANDDAUGHTERS

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It's the battle of the girls with weirdly adorable nicknames. But who suffered more distress at the hands of her grandmother, Rory or Maeby?

Team Emily:

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To be perfectly clear, Emily loves Rory and has her best interests at heart. But Emily enables Rory's worst decision - dropping out of Yale - and boy howdy, does it backfire.

Team Lucille:

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Lucille is ready to treat her granddaughter the same way she treated her daughter: with veiled criticisms and manipulative bribery.

Winner: EMILY

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She made a temporary Emily clone at the worst possible time and it was terrible.

They both make arch comments about the help:

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It's a little scary when they're gleeful.

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Who wins?

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We win. We all win.

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