Skip To Content

    Tea Is Better Than Coffee

    It's a non-negotiable statement of fact, but let's talk about it anyway.

    Coffee may cause cancer, tea may prevent it.

    Tea calms you down, coffee turns you into a crazed caffeine lunatic.

    Over-caffeinating can lead to feelings of impending doom. Life is doom-y enough WITHOUT caffeine-fueled existential freak-outs.

    What's that? You need caffeine to function like a human? Well, guess what? Tea has caffeine, too.

    Coffee stains teeth; most teas do not.

    Basically, if you drink a lot of coffee, people will be like, "You've got some corn stuck in your teeth." And then you'll be like, "Those are my teeth." And who wants to have THAT conversation?

    Certain teas have antioxidants that are believed to slow down the aging process.

    On the left is Sir Patrick Stewart, an avid tea drinker. He's 72 years old and has the complexion of a prepubescent dolphin. On the right is Sally.* She drank coffee once when she was nineteen and now she looks like this.

    *Name changed to protect identity.

    You can make tea out of a number of things. Coffee only comes from beans.

    Which means there's a substantial range in taste when it comes to different teas. If you think you don't like the taste of tea, you just haven't found the right one! And anyway, coffee beans look like deer poop.

    Tea originated more than 3,000 years before coffee.

    Making coffee is a lot more complicated than making tea (and therefore a lot more expensive).

    With coffee there's all the grinding, tamping, filtering, brewing, perking, UGH! Tea is like, "Sup? You got some water and a heat source? We brewin'."

    Producing coffee puts more of a strain on our Earth's resources than tea.

    Hitler drank coffee.*

    In conclusion, tea is nectar of the gods and it will keep you alive and happy forever.