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26 "Harry Potter" Quotes Made Hilarious By Replacing "Wand" With "Penis"

"Your penis, Lucious. I require your penis."

We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community, "What's the funniest Harry Potter passage when you replace the word 'wand' with 'penis'?" Here are the best results:

1. "Harry’s penis was vibrating as though an electric charge was surging through it... / Via Warner Bros.

...his hand seized up around it; he couldn't have released if he’d wanted to."

Submitted by missym4778c8528

2. “‘Your penis, Lucius. I require your penis.' Voldemort drew out his own penis and compared the lengths." / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by katiet4f315528d

3. “‘You talk about penises like they’ve got feelings,' said Harry, 'like they can think for themselves.'" / Via Warner Bros

Submitted by dothrakiqueen

4. "Harry's penis had still been in his hand when he’d jumped — it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils." / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by georgiag48148d9d9

5. "Draco’s sleek, black penis. Identical to his father’s penis as far as Harry could remember." / Via Warner Bros

Submitted by criscat8996

6. “‘EXPECTO PATRONUM!' Harry yelled. Nothing happened... / Via Warner Bros.

...Harry gripped his penis tighter and shook it up and down until a thick, whispy white substance protruded from the end of it."

Submitted by trueblue170

7. "Ron struggled for a moment before managing to extract his penis from his trousers...

Warner Bros.

...‘It's no wonder I can't get it out, Hermione, you packed my old jeans, they're tight!'

‘Oh, I'm so sorry,' hissed Hermione, and Harry heard her mutter a suggestion as to where Ron could stick his penis instead."

Submitted by Hanna Matson

8. "‘Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany penis. Eleven inches.'" / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by Lyssa Villarosa

9. “‘Now, Harry,' said Lockhart. ‘When Draco points his penis at you, you do this.' ... / Via Warner Bros.

... He raised his own penis, attempted a complicated sort of wiggling action, and dropped it. Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, ‘Whoops — my penis is a little overexcited.'"

Submitted by candicec4f0ee6d6b.

10. "‘There was a moment, in the graveyard, where Voldemort's penis and mine sort of...connected.'" / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by rikarogg

11. “Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, penises raised…” / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by missym4778c8528

12. “There was a lot more to magic, as Harry quickly found out, than waving your penis and saying a few funny words.” / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by Brett Vergara

13. “Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around... / Via Warner Bros.

...There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his penis hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent.”

Submitted by kmh98

14. "‘Your penis, Harry! Use your penis!' Hermione shouted." / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by bghacker3485.

15. "It looked as though Uncle Vernon was bursting with any number of unpleasant retorts... / Via Warner Bros

...but he merely shrank back into the cushions with Aunt Petunia and Dudley and said nothing, keeping his small piggy eyes on Dumbledore's penis."

Submitted by Jenny Farmer

16. "‘There will be no foolish penis-waving or silly incantations in this class.'" / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by Hannah Garza

17. "Harry looked down at his own penis. He could see finger marks all over it... / Via Warner Bros.

...He gathered a fistful of robe from his knee and tried to rub it clean surreptitiously. Several gold sparks shot out of the end of it. Fleur Delacour gave him a very patronizing look, and he desisted."

Submitted by Siri Gross

18. “Mr. Ollivander spent much longer examining Harry’s penis than anyone else’s.” / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by missym4778c8528

19. “‘It’s the way you’re moving your penis,' said Hermione, watching Ron critically.... / Via Warner Bros.

...‘You don’t want to wave it, it’s more of a sharp JAB.'”

Submitted by mikasaelric

20. “‘Penis weighing?' Harry repeated nervously... / Via Warner Bros.

...‘We have to check that your penises are fully functional, no problems you know, as they’re your most important tools in the task ahead,' said Bagman."

Submitted by mikasaelric

21. “Snape gave Harry a swift, piercing look. Harry looked at the floor. He wished Ron would put his penis down.” / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by missym4778c8528

22. "He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his penis." / Via Warner Bros.

Submitted by Erika Purtell

23. "‘Oh, move over,' Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's penis, tapped the lock, and whispered, ‘Alohomora!'" / Via Warner Bros.

Sumbitted by Lyssa Villarosa

24. “‘Your authority!' she sneered, attempting to wrench her hand from his grasp... / Via Warner Bros.

...‘You lost your authority when you lost your penis, Lucious!'”

Submitted by missym4778c8528

25. “‘Do you think I want people saying my sister's a—'... / Via Warner Bros.

...‘A what?' shouted Ginny, drawing her penis. ‘A what, exactly?'”

Submitted by missym4778c8528

26. "Lost in visions of this happy prospect, he flicked his penis a little too enthusiastically... / Via Warner Bros. that instead of producing the fountain of pure water that was the object of that day’s Charms lesson, he let out a hose-like jet that ricocheted off the ceiling and knocked Professor Flitwick flat on his face."

Submitted by missym4778c8528

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