what piece of cosmo sex advice most haunts your waking hours
1. Donut do this.
@ryandroyd I know it's a cliche but
@newageamazon @MaraWilson @nonplayablekyle @ryandroyd
2. Pass out? Pass.
@ryandroyd It is a toss up, there is the idea that this is comfortable sex position https://t.co/zhoiOowdt9
3. It's cool, it's the 90s.
@ryandroyd Use a scrunchie as an improvised cockring to exist in the quantum superposition of the sort of person who would use a cockring and not the sort of person who would have one.
4. That's NOT what Sisqo meant when he said, "Let me see that thong!"
@ryandroyd There was an issue that suggested tying your hair into a ponytail with your dirty thong underwear for a sexy way to tease him and to date it is one of my most intrusive thoughts.
5. Cosmo is run by Big Scrunchie.
@ryandroyd During a decidedly non-scrunchie era (early 2010s?), Cosmo recommended putting a scrunchie around a penis during sex acts. Aside from WHERE THE FUCK AM I GETTING A SCRUNCHIE IN THIS DAY AND AGE, who wants to put a dick scrunchie in their hair later?
6. 50 Shades of yikes!
@ryandroyd The 50 Shades of Grey Special Edition Issue was HILARIOUS - 🍦barely bdsm “run a fork along his buttocks” “let him tie you up (use toilet paper if you don’t want to be too constricted”
7. When every word is your safe word.
@ryandroyd This, forever. TOILET PAPER BONDAGE.
8. Luckily this is highly treatable with the correct course of antibiotics.
@ryandroyd oh god there was one about a fuckin “ice and fire” bj and I SWEAR it wasn’t GoT related but it DID involve putting ice cubes in your mouth and somehow holding them there WHILST giving head and I can’t remember what the fire part was meant to be but I suspect wax was involved
9. Holy forking shirtballs!
@ryandroyd I think I blocked out the details but something about using a fork for foreplay? Like, poke him with it all over his body in a sexy way
10. This sex tip has been brought to you by Jigsaw.
@ryandroyd @gaileyfrey Run a fine tooth comb up the dick or wrap a shoelace around the dick and yank it from side to side are particularly haunting.
11. Voulez-vous coucher avec baby bird?
@ryandroyd first apartment I had in France was furnished. there was a mysterious stack of old Cosmo issues in English. one of the pieces of advice: "cradle his balls like a baby bird" it's mainly the unknown origin of the magazines that haunts me, but it forever changed baby birds for me
12. Which merit badge does this earn you?
@ryandroyd Took a bit of digging to unearth this old favourite :o
@ryandroyd Lots of youngins on this thread. The classic is what I refer to as “The Cock Indian Sunburn”. It made no mention of tons of lube, just to roatate both hands in opposite directions.
13. TFW you give yourself a UTI.
@ryandroyd Not a sex tip but I still think about this woman who wrote in for general advice on whether or not it was ok to keep on holding her pee for as long as possible because, when she finally goes, it gives her an orgasm.
14. What's cooler than cool? Your butt, apparently.
@ryandroyd Put your underwear in the freezer overnight for fun sensations throughout the next day
15. That sound you hear is Kris Jenner running out the door to land this fragrance deal for Kylie.
@ryandroyd I’m not sure if anyone’s said this already but I will NEVER forget that Cosmo recommended putting a finger inside yourself and rubbing it behind your ear for a subtle scent that will drive him wild
16. Ain't nobody got time for this.
@ryandroyd Oh! It was getting up early to put on makeup before the dude wakes up so you look perfect. The worse one was to lie flat so that your wrinkles would not be so apparent. The worst advice ever!
17. Men love misdemeanor indecent exposure charges.
@ryandroyd 100% watering my plants in a string bikini to get my man's attention 🙄
18. Words fail.
@ryandroyd @averyschiavo I would not say I am haunted by this but since you’re also supposed to surprise him at the moment of climax in missionary with the rock, I have always wondered if I’d be slick enough to pull it off, either palming the rock for the duration or reaching for it without being seen
19. A fun trip to the ER is sure to spice things up!
@ryandroyd The Passion Propeller
20. The sharing economy is out of control.
@ryandroyd Years ago I remember about reading about renting vibrators if you can’t afford to buy...ummmmm...WHAT????
21. Real women have eyebrows!
@ryandroyd I used to work for cosmo doing graphic design and this thread haunts me. I did the sex position pages, and the worst part for me (somehow) was that none of them had eyebrows
@rachel__eliana @ryandroyd It is done.
22. This is the best tip to employ when you never want to see that dude again.
@ryandroyd "Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle."
23. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
@ryandroyd Wasn’t there something about bananas in your vagina? I vaguely remember the word “whoosh” was involved
24. Isn't it romantic?
@ryandroyd The only one I remember was something about just??? Digging your knuckle into his gooch so he’d last longer?? which not only seems impractical, but from what I understand, gooch-touching does the opposite of slow things down
25. Okay, now they're just messing with us.
@ryandroyd Okay, I read one in British Cosmo New Years Eve day 1999 at 19 years old and will never, ever forget it. I shit you not, it said "Stick a feather into the end of his penis and have him tickle you with it."
26. Is that a sopping wet nightie or are you just happy to see me?
@ryandroyd Take a shower in your nightgown to make you feel sexy
27. Men love mystery!
@ryandroyd Read an article about "How to Keep Your Man Interested!" or whatever. One of the points in the article was to never let your SO see you get dressed, because they should only ever associate nakedness with sexy time, not clothing.
28. This definitely won't trigger the worst fight you've ever had. Definitely not.
@ryandroyd Nothing will ever beat "get your boyfriend and another man. Get them to blindfold you and perform sex acts on you. You call out who you think is doing them" a game not even poly people are going to win in any sense
29. This is not what Fenty is for!!!
@ryandroyd 💋
30. Sure, Hannibal. Sounds great.
@ryandroyd Treat him to a steak dinner. Get your steak rare. Cut a piece and tell him "you see this? This is how I'm going to eat you tonight." Then chew it WITHOUT BREAKING EYE CONTACT
31. For an extra thrill, don't break eye contact with that old tub of cottage cheese.
@ryandroyd Having sex in front of an open fridge
32. What a delicious way to terrify bae.
@ryandroyd give a bj with pop rocks candy in your mouth, or ice.
33. Trust us, he does not want to feel like he's champagne.
@ryandroyd It's a tie: 1) Hold an ice cube in your mouth during oral sex. He'll love the hot & cold sensation And 2) Gargle champagne while he gently places his balls in your mouth. It's like a private hot tub, just for him!
34. Nothing like passive-aggressively telling him he needs a shower to start a hot night off right.
@ryandroyd Surprise your partner by putting a cold wet washcloth on his dick
35. The surprise is a yeast infection.
@ryandroyd Insert a popsicle in your vagina for a cool surprise.
36. Enjoy 31 flavors of nope.
@TahneeChambers @ryandroyd That's... Incredibly specific
37. No one can ever accuse Cosmo of being forgettable.
@ryandroyd Blowjob with ice cube in your mouth. I think about it every time I accidentally get a full ice cube in my mouth with a sip of water.
38. Every man reading this just shifted uncomfortably.
@ryandroyd There was one that advised to give a blowj whilst Gently Tugging Upon the Ball Hairs and I have never ONCE managed to make it Work
39. Does Cosmo even want us to actually have sex?
@ryandroyd One article advised fingering a guy while blowing him which is perfectly reasonable but then it said DRIVING HOME WITH A 'STINKY FINGER' WOULD BE '''WORTH IT'''. Why would a woman drive away after any amount of sex without washing her goddamn hands?? This haunts me.
40. Fun for the whole family?
@ryandroyd “shake his balls like it’s a Yahtzee game”
41. Alexa, what is the opposite of "relationship goals?"
@ryandroyd When I was a young pre-teen, I read a published letter someone wrote to Cosmo that said that they found that picking their partner's nose, and vice versa, was super intimate and a great bonding experience. "Haunt" is the right word. I will never forget it.
Bonus: Bad sex tips from Maxim! Tired: Spelling out the ABCs. Wired: Humming "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt."
@ryandroyd Cheating a bit, but got my hands on a Maxim at age 12 that told me to hum while going down for the vibrations. Better bet my first gf freaked the fuck out when I tried to play her like a kazoo.
Anyone who could experience this without making a Micro-Machines joke deserves a Nobel prize.
@ryandroyd I was gifted at Maxim magazine at 13 and one of their "tips" was to rev her engine by rolling a plastic toy car over her body.
*Very Oprah Voice:* You get bad sex tips! YOU get bad sex tips! Everyone gets bad sex tips!
@ryandroyd OH GOD I just remembered the one Maxim magazine I ever read suggested “teasing her clit with your BIG TOE”
Finally, remember consent is sexy!
@ryandroyd No specific techniques spring to mind, but I remember they were forever recommending doing new and adventurous things, without warning or asking for consent, mid-act. Just... some of their advice was dangerous, so having it just... sprung upon you... no
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