1) You wake up by 8 a.m. — if not earlier — and you're totally cool about it. (You went to bed at a reasonable time last night, duh!)
2) You might have some lower back pain, but who cares? You're awake and ready to seize the day!
3) After a few moments of being awake, you stop. "How did this even HAPPEN?!?!" you ask yourself, out loud, in the mirror. "I am a child in a 32-year-old's body."
4) "How has has no one figured this out yet, and allowed me to be responsible for making adult decisions and left to my own devices?"
5) You then realize you could ostensibly be a grandparent (e.g., if you had a kid at 16 and they had one at 16).
6) You realize you are not a grandparent, even though you could be. Hooray for dodging that bullet! Great way to start the big 3-2. (Or maybe you are a grandparent, in which case, hey, good for you!)
7) You check your Facebook notifications, only to find dozens upon dozens of happy birthday greetings from people you haven't seen since high school.
8) You swiftly realize how long ago high school was...
9) ...and that in six years, you'll be invited to your 20-YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION.
10) You also realize that THIS YEAR you'll be invited to your 10-YEAR college reunion. How have 10 years gone by???
11) You crawl under a table and cry.
12) You get back out, because fuck it, you're still young and beautiful and fun.
13) You also have a lot of work to do today and don't have time for hanging out under tables.
14) You turn your iPod on shuffle and start jamming to that Mariah Carey song you haven't heard in ages. Wait a second. Mariah Carey's first album came out 25 YEARS AGO? How is this possible? you think to yourself, choking on your coffee a little bit.
15) You pass a newsstand with another one of those "30 Under 30" lists, aspiring to be included in one of those one day for all your illustrious achievements.
16) You spend a good portion of the day perusing the internet for a fun birthday gift to yourself, because you deserve it: cool kitchenware (talkin' to you, new Vitamix), gardening tools, an Airbnb destination for your next big trip, perhaps.
17) You find the perfect thing! And look forward to it arriving at your doorstep tomorrow, because you're an adult, goddammit, and you use Amazon Prime now.
18) But you know what's not arriving at your door tomorrow? A baby, that's what. You're getting a little anxious about your biological clock.
19) And so you start frantically looking for evidence that there's still time for you to have a child, should you want one... What's that? TWO Saved by the Bell cast members were pregnant at 39 and 41, respectively?? ::does little dance::
20) Even if you don't want kids (for a little while, or ever), you can't help it, as you find yourself scrolling through endless pictures of your friends' babies after you've checked your HBD messages on Facebook. PLS STOP WITH THE BABY PIC— awww, this one is so cute. ::likes:: ::leaves emoji of heart-eyed happy face::
21) And if do you have a child, or children, you're still kind of in awe of yourself and how awesome you're doing at this parenting thing. Yay you! You've got this cool-parent thing down.
22) You realize your 16th birthday was literally HALF YOUR LIFE AGO.
23) But then you look back at pictures of you at 16 and think, Hmm. Am I peaking now? Yeah, I think I totally am!
24) You take a few moments to consider how many more peak years you have.
25) You settle on seven. Seven years left of being attractive and fashionable and still able to pass for a twentysomething sometimes...right? RIGHT???
26) You then interrupt your own crazy thoughts and realize, screw that. It's been true all along — youth is a state of mind, duh! Who even cares about this number thing?
27) And besides, having a family and amazing friends and a successful career and fun hobbies to devote your time to is more important than worrying about an inability to rock crop tops like you used to.
28) A few hours later, you look in the mirror. "Shit, when did that line even get there?" ::invests half of paycheck in retinol-based creams::
29) You celebrate by having a nice dinner with your S.O., a few close friends, or family.
30) And maybe you throw a few back — approximately 2.5 drinks that is, maybe even three — because by god, it's your birthday.
31) You're digging the buzz, but soon realize that your sense of FOMO has been overwhelmingly replaced by the desire to crawl into bed as soon as humanly possible.
32) And you realize that 32 is a going to be a pretty awesome year. Bring on 33, life!
Thumbnail image: RuthBlack / ThinkStock