1. I think you're a terrible person.
Everyone was thinking it after you regurgitated your saliva and spit into my sink. Then proceeded to excuse yourself by saying you need to "keep your oral hygiene."
No.
Wrong.
Never again.
And did you really just say you want to f my brains out? I think rabbits in the peak of mating season have better game than that.
2. How old were when you realized you're gay?
I saw you check out that guy's back muscles. I checked them out too. They were nice. Good job.
3. Can you repeat that compliment about my hotness in front of the guy I actually like?
I realize your comment regarding how nicely my ass oscillates when I walk up the stairs is your attempt to get laid tonight, but there are guys with better hygiene and intriguing conversation that I would rather have use that on me.
4. Make me a sandwich and if you fail to cut it in half you're obliged to clean my kitchen.
It's the little things ya know?
And I obviously expect you to make it up to me with some arbitrary request that'll re-satisfy my happiness. I don't think that's a ridiculous expectation at all.
Remember when you asked me to "use the brush thingy" on your toilet after I forgot to fold your laundry the way you like?
Oh no? Okay.
5. Why haven't you come out yet?
Are you unwilling to compensate your empowering manliness for sassiness and respectable style?
We both know how amped you get when your cutoff matches your socks. And I've seen that Starbucks Rewards card in your wallet buried under your Dicks R Us gift card.
6. That tattoo will look even sexier on your middle-aged dad bod.
Crosses, skull and all. The arrangement is quite aesthetically pleasing. And since when did you become religious?
I don't think you realize how ecstatic I am to listen to you explain that to your future kids you claim you can't wait to have.
7. I'm actually an exceptional actress and perform best while you're on top of me.
I see the kick you get out of insulting my singing and impersonations. But last time I checked, your guido-mafia-whateveryoucallthat impersonation you do when you're drunk makes me wonder if you got that chicken wing stuck in your esophagus or if you've acquired a speech impediment.
And it really saddens me that you still think Sally's fake orgasm scene in the diner was for purely comedic purposes. That was a shout out to sexually-frustrated/all women everywhere.
8. Are you afraid to come out because your parents are conservative Catholics?
I know how scared you are of your mother. And how taken aback you were when your dad asked if you've been playing under the god d*mn rainbow when he got a whiff of your cologne.
You treasure that cologne more than those stupid and terribly putrid socks (that you refuse to wash) you were wearing when you saw George Clooney last summer; it's your imprint to women.
9. I would rather peel the skin off my heel and blend it into my smoothie than go down on you and act like I like it, but thanks for asking.
Why do you think you're giving me God's greatest gift when you ask for something that repulses me? It's more comparable to Pandora's Box.
If you really want to do me a favor then hire a hooker.
10. Pay for my dinner not my drink.
You're so quick to inquire about what I want from the bar but when it comes to picking up the check I've see the emo-looking condiment guy from Subway move faster than that.
Your hands can move fast, I've seen them in action when you watch old Martha Stewart reruns.
11. Do you interrupt your mother when she talks too?
She'd rip your arm off and beat you with the bloody end. You're lucky I don't have the same rights she earned from giving birth to your ginormous head or I'd do the same thing.
12. So would you say you're 80% into guys or 90?
You're getting questioningly defensive.
I'm gonna go with 90.
13. Talking over me makes me want to put that twig below your abdomen your cherish so much down the sink disposal.
I heard you the first time. I was trying to reply. That's how conversation works.
14. NO I am not having fun anymore and you can finish now.
Did you hear me? Yea? Okay then does your brain send signals to your body or are they just two totally different things now?
Makes sense.
15. I hope your kitchen gives you an incurable case of salmonella.
Sometimes I can't tell if that mysterious splot of white unknown is spilled milk you never cleaned up or the result of you trying to reenact some homemaker porn scene.
Either way your sink smells worse than my grandfather.
Who died five years ago.
16. Being gay is great! My best friend just came out and I like him so much better now.
It's true. And I hear being a straight male is just utterly tormenting.
Yea, I heard that from you.
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