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    31 Things People Who Live In London Are Tired Of Hearing

    We apologise for the delay to this service.

    1. Your rent is how much?!

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    Yes, I know I'm being massively ripped off every month. I don't need you reminding me.

    2. This drink is so expensive!

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    This is London, remember. All the things are expensive.

    3. £20 for a round?!

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    Just drink through the pain, yeah?

    4. Have you tried [insert obscure burger bar here]? It's the best burger place in London.

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    Better than the 500 other ones I've been told are the best?

    5. We should go to this really cool new pop-up place in Shoreditch for dinner.

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    If it involves queuing for an hour and drinking fucking cocktails out of jam jars I am not coming.

    6. I'll just come for one.

    You won't, you'll come for many and leave at closing time and then we'll go to McDonalds and probably miss the last tube.

    7. Can you believe that one bedroom flat costs over £250,000?!

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    Yes, it's madness and we will never be able to afford property here.

    8. You could buy a three bedroom house in Manchester with that!

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    Yes, yes you could. What an uplifting thought.

    9. I've just bought a flat.

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    You mean your parents have bought you a flat.

    10. You will never believe what happened on the nightbus the other night.

    I can hazard a guess it involved a complete weirdo and probably projectile vomit.

    11. You are being held at ticket level because of overcrowding on the platform.

    12. We're being held at this station because of a defective train further down the line. I'll update you when I have more information.

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    I really like that thing where I pay TfL thousands of pounds a year and they still can't seem to find trains that actually work.

    13. We're being held at this station because of a signal failure further down the line. I'll update you when I have more information.

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    It wouldn't be a Monday morning without a signal failure.

    14. We're being held at this station because the passenger alarm was rung on the tube in front of us. I'll update you when I have more information.

    I will begin killing indiscriminately at any moment.

    I will begin killing indiscriminately at any moment.

    15. There are severe delays on the Northern, Central and District lines.

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    Not like I actually wanted to go anywhere, anyway.

    16. We apologise for the delay to this service.

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    Yes, your automated message sounds really sorry.

    17. There are planned track closures on the Northern, District, Victoria and Jubilee lines this weekend.

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    Oh, the weekend when people are off work and have plans and want to get somewhere?

    18. Can you move down the carriage?

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    Can you kindly fuck off, there is no space to move.

    19. PLEASE DO NOT OBSTRUCT THE DOORS.

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    For fuck's sake you absolute fuckwit, stop delaying the journey for the rest of us.

    20. The next train will arrive in five minutes.

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    FIVE MINUTES? FIVE FUCKING MINUTES? ARE YOU JOKING?

    21. Did you know that Angel station has the longest escalator on the entire Underground?

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    I did actually, yes.

    22. There will be a tube strike on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, with the last services leaving central London tonight at 8pm.

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    So that's my week, fucked.

    23. What are you up to this weekend?

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    I'm actually doing nothing other than watching Netflix and eating, but now I have to think of something exciting and cool to say so you won't judge my life choices.

    24. Are you on Tinder? I only use it as, like, a joke.

    A joke that'll get you laid.

    25. I'm so poor.

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    Same.

    26. I'm so tired.

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    Same.

    27. I'm having to work such crazy hours.

    28. I'll never move south of the river.

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    Cool, whatever makes you happy.

    29. I'll never move north of the river.

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    Cool.

    30. I need to get out of London for a bit.

    31. London is so busy and chaotic and dirty and urgh, how do you live there?

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    STFU, how dare you insult my amazing city. I WILL NEVER LEAVE.

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