1. You have never gone to the pub "for one" and actually only had one.
What you actually mean is, "I will come and have many, many drinks and stay until closing."
2. You have felt personally victimised by TfL.
3. Someone has fallen asleep on your shoulder on the tube at least once and you just sat there because it was too awkward to do anything else.
4. You have wanted to resort to physical violence when someone snuck through YOUR Oyster card swipe.
5. You've come far too close to people's armpits/faces/crotches on the tube.
6. In fact, you feel violated on a daily basis.
7. But then you feel disproportionate joy when you get off the tube at exactly the right spot on the platform to walk straight out of the exit.
8. Nothing crushes your soul more than the words "signal failure".
9. Apart from "rail replacement bus service".
10. You've pretended to have plans at the weekend to get out of doing stuff because you're too bloody knackered.
London is tiring, OK?
11. It doesn't matter how many times you've seen it, you still get excited when you pass an iconic London landmark.
12. You genuinely do worry about your financial future and the prospect of never being able to afford to own property.
13. But then London looks this pretty at night and you get overwhelmed and all is forgiven.
14. You have ended up in Infernos on more than one occasion and wondered WTF you're doing with your life.
15. You have seriously contemplated pretending to be asleep to avoid giving up your seat on the tube to a pregnant woman.
16. You genuinely judge people who go for a meal at Angus Steak House in Leicester Square.
17. Also, people who take the tube rather than walking between Leicester Square and Covent Garden.
18. You have passed out drunk and woken up in Morden.
19. Several nights a week, your dinner will consist of something from Chicken Cottage. Or a bag of crisps.
Not, you know, an actual meal.
20. You never fail to be surprised at just how BIG London is, and how it takes quite a while to get from A to B.
Just "popping over" to see a friend on the other side of the river can take up to two hours.
21. You have wanted to start indiscriminately killing tourists who don't just STAND ON THE FUCKING RIGHT.
It's not hard.
22. You have no concept of what "cheeky midweek" or "Friday night" drinks are because you're in the pub every night.
DGAF though.
23. You have to leave London every so often just to chill the hell out. And, you know, see some green stuff.
24. But within a day you already miss it.
25. And you experience genuine anger when people from outside of London slate it.
26. You feel genuinely terrified when strangers try to make eye contact or speak to you.
27. But every so often, something will happen that'll remind you that Londoners can be pretty fucking great.
28. And you genuinely can't imagine wanting to live anywhere else.
<3