In case you haven't noticed, friends, things are pretty unusual around here right now, what with the coronavirus pandemic and all.
Could criminal sanctions be brought in for people who don't follow instructions on self-quarantining, Boris Johnson is asked. "We are a mature, grown up, liberal democracy," he says. On Sunday, in Costco, Lakeside, someone bought 5 separate 96 packs of toilet paper.
And in times of crisis, it's almost expected that there'll be a little bit of hysteria and panic. One of the ways that might manifest is through an incessant stream of information sharing — not all of it reliable.
Wow guys. Buckle up. You'll never believe what I just heard about the coronavirus from my uncle's colleague's friend's mom's barista in Seattle, who received a grave warning from his customer's acupuncturist's ex-lover, descended from the House of Medici, who heard that [1/725]
Earlier this week, a seemingly genuine voice note went viral on WhatsApp with one man warning that London was about to go into lockdown enforced by the military. That lockdown — which could still happen, of course — didn't appear.
“Yo mandem, mandem. Just a quick one still. My girl’s bedrin is a police officer ...” Who else got this voicenote on whatsapp?
But what did appear was an absolutely British response to dodgy hearsay in the form of a 100% ridiculous voice note that went viral on WhatsApp.
"A friend of mine just called me. He said that his sister's cousin's best mate's brother is in the army, and the army don't have enough people to be able to monitor all the streets and the supermarkets, so they've gone up to Mars to see if there's Martians there," the voice note says.
"Failing that, they're gonna go to the zoos and get the animals ... so you're gonna have an elephant doing as many Asdas as they can, the tigers are taking over Tescos, and I think the bears are doing Aldi and Lidl. So, yeah, it's a crazy time out there."
That was swiftly followed by this viral voice note about Wembley being turned into a giant oven using underfloor heating to bake a massive lasagne.
"My sister, her boyfriend’s brother works for the Ministry of Defence, and one of the things that they’re doing to prepare … is building a massive lasagne. At the moment, as we speak, they’re building the massive lasagne sheets," the voice note says.
“They’re putting the underground heating at Wembley on, that’s going to bake the lasagne, and then they’re putting the roof across and that’s going to recreate the oven, and then what they’re going to do is lift it up with drones and cut off little portions and drop it off to people’s houses.”
The voice behind the Wembley voice note has been identified as Billy McLean, a 29-year-old from London.
He told the Guardian: “It was just a one take. I sent it to the football group, my mum, and the girl that I’m trying to date.
“It went around the football group. Then I got people that I know forwarding it to me, not knowing it was me, or forwarding it to me asking if I’d heard it."
And in case you wanted to know what a Wembley-baked lasagne might look like, maybe a little bit like this:
And that's when things truly took off. In the true spirit of the entente cordiale, this WhatsApp claimed the Channel Tunnel was going to be used to bake a massive garlic bread.
"So basically the French authorities have heard about the big lasagne..."
Served with an enormous side salad mixed in Rome's colosseum.
"Well, basically, Brooksy ... they're gonna turn the Colosseum into a massive salad spinner .... you'll need bigger vegetables, so [they'll be] just cutting down trees and most of the botanical gardens and things, shoving it all in there, and then they've got an extra large whisk which is basically an upside helicopter."
This voice note — 10 points for the added sound effects — warned about a potential shortage of croutons.
"I know there's a lot of these weird voice messages going around but this one is legit. I'm a police officer ... there's certain things I've been told that I simply can't pass on, but what I will say is make sure you're stocked up on croutons.
"They're going to have houses built from croutons ... this is so we can both live and eat it in whilst in isolation. These houses will be delicate, so no hot drinks."
And there were more Martians.
"I just got into work this morning, boys, and my manager's son, he works for NASA ... bit of inside information we will be going down on lockdown soon ... and if the police and military fail in controlling the people ... NASA are gonna let the aliens patrol the streets with their ray guns ... just some inside information for you lot to know. It will probably be coming out in the news soon but, yeah, man, stay safe."
Finally, one of the voicenotes revealed that the coronavirus outbreak was too much for our government to handle on its own and that they'd called in extra troops from... the Ministry of Magic.
"This is unconfirmed at the moment, but my mum overheard somebody talking in Sainsbury's and apparently it's definitely going to happen ... Priti Patel has actually been speaking to Kingsley Shacklebolt to get the Ministry of Magic involved. It's obviously unprecedented for the Ministry of Magic and the Muggle government to link up, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
"There's rumours the Dementors are based in Clapham at the moment and are ready to go at a moment's notice."
I personally feel much more secure now that I know Harry Potter and his magical mates are on the case. And, clearly, social distancing has made for great British banter.
