Masculinity is a prison. Regardless of your sex or gender, if you are a masculine expressing person--you are in an emotional prison. Women and feminine people who identify as feminists and even those that do not identify as feminists have been saying this for centuries.
For a long time now, I have been feeling an uneasiness and frustration but I could not put words into it until a classmate of mine approached me. He told me, "I do not know if it's appropriate for me to praise your masculinity but I must say that I observed your example of being a man in [the] violence course and it [made me] think about how to balance my male footing in the world towards the kind person I would want to be".
It finally struck me. I made it out of the prison of masculinity.
Masculinity can be a beautiful expression of one's self. My mannerisms have always been classified as masculine. I'm a good protector. I tell some awful "dad jokes". I love my facial hair. However, there is a prison box of masculinity as dedicated by our culture. A prison that I thought my body and expression would never make it out of.
To fully understand where I am coming from, I need to tell you a few stories.
In the 5th grade, I cut my hair short. It was not just that it was short, it was a traditional bowl cut typical of the Beatles. I loved it and finally felt comfortable in my skin. Since I was 10, I could "pass" as a boy. The 5th grade was also when I had my first crush. Her name was Amanda. At that time, I didn't understand the implications of an assigned female at birth person having a crush on another in Southern, Louisiana.
I didn't know that in a society where girls and women get their sexuality and gender dedicated to them, it is naive to think she would even think about being attracted to me. But she was incredibly intelligent, kind, compassionate, and was graceful.
When I was 17, I came out as transgender. I didn't know any transgender people, or what it meant to physically transition. I just took up a boy's name and started presenting more masculine. Almost immediately girls were all over me. As if they were looking for an excuse to love me, and be allowed to be subdued by their attraction for me. I didn't know what to do about that. Before then, I was just the "lesbian who dated the girl with the septum piercing". I had only the countless times I got told women only care about men who are powerful, physically, socially, mentally, and financially.
So I fell into the trap that many boys and young men fall into, feeling like I had to express my masculinity through those venues. Perhaps I thought since I didn't have a deep voice or facial hair like other boys I had to express it some other way. The more I acted like a fuckboy, the more false sense of confidence I got. I dressed the most stylish. I acted the most sauve. I did grand, romantic gestures not for the girls I dated, but for the attention of others. To show how powerful I was. I cheated on people. I had sex with my best guy friend's girlfriend. I did a lot of mean, awful things in order to prove my masculinity and manhood.
During those two years, I got told so many toxic beliefs about masculinity. The moment I found myself in love with a woman bigger than me, both in terms of weight and height, some of my girl friends would say "are you sure you aren't gay?".
Now when I look back, it makes perfect sense that I would want a woman taller than me. I was scared. I wanted to feel safe. I just wanted someone to hold me and let me cry. I just wanted to be the little spoon while the nightmares hit.
But since I was a masculine person, I couldn't tell anyone that. There was no one I could I go to and say "I'm a scared little boy. Please help me".
Since I came out at 17 and started hormones 18, I will spend most of my life "as a man". Both identifying as one and getting treated like one. This often means people saying things to me like, "Well don't you want to be a man? This is what men do" when they want me to carry something heavier than I can handle, or when I don't want to be aggressive and confrontational.
My third story is about dating in college. In my first year of college, I met a woman that was incredibly intelligent and kind. She made me feel safe. However, she was trapped by gender roles. I would constantly do little kind things for her. As time past, I realized she never returned the favors. She left me little notes, got me flowers, or got me any type of present. I finally got the courage to address it, and she said "I'm used to the guy not wanting that type of stuff".
I immediately got worried. Was I not expressing my masculinity enough? Was I not man enough? Was there some code I missed out on that other young men were taught about dating?
I woke up and realized, are the fruits of my masculinity only to be enjoyed by the people I date?
No. After that, I went on to date other women. Women who identified as straight who still bought me flowers. They left me notes. And with each time they did that, they showed it was okay for me to be a masculine man but also be emotional.
My last story is the one of me moving to Massachusetts from Louisiana. As my dad and I finished setting my place in order, he turned to me--his son living in a tiny house he built himself, on a farm, a beard, and only a bunsen burner to cook--"you've become more masculine than I am". I was happy, but I was also pained. I wanted to hug my dad and tell him that masculinity is not a competition. I want to feel good about my masculinity but I don't want it to come at the expense of my loved ones.
For some ignorant reason, I thought cisgender men would be more respectful of women in the Northeast. I was wrong. One day I was sitting with my landlord and the young man that helps him on the farm. We were eating burgers and watching the news. My landlord turns to the t.v then us, "Wow! The new newsanchor got some breasts on her" and then continued to say other profanities about the woman's body, without listening to what she had to say. In a split second, he reduced the woman's body to something for his, and his only, pleasure and entertainment. And he did it in front of a 17 year old to show that boy how to "be a man".
I thought about all of the experiences I had of men telling me to "man up", to stop crying, the experiences of my father being called a woman for crying, and I wanted to punch this man. I wanted to act out on the only emotion the prison of masculinity allows for--anger.
Instead, I went back to my tiny house and blogged about it. I avoided confrontation. I was submissive and quiet. And you know what? I am comfortable in my masculinity to admit that. I am comfortable that in the moment it wasn't worth it. That instead it would be better to slowly approach this man and his backward views of female bodies.
I realized then that masculinity is a prison that doesn't allow you to express your love a woman's body in a healthy way. I felt bad for that man and especially the young man, who won't have examples of men who aren't scared to admit they are afraid. Because what he really meant was a series of things.. "I'm scared because I know I don't meet conventional beauty standards and that woman does, she would never look in my direction" "I'm feeling sexual feelings for someone in front of two other men, I shouldn't feel that in front of them, so I will discount this woman's body to make me more powerful".
Most of my posts are read and liked by cisgender women. But I hope men, transmen and cisgender men, read this post. I hope butch ciswomen read this post. Please express your emotions. All of your emotions, not just anger and rage. Please be vulnerable. Please be open. Be proud about being fragile. And for fuck's sake, don't do it because of some type of material or "manly" gain.
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