Why I Love The Iowa State Fair

The Iowa State Fair has been getting a lot of flack lately and I wholeheartedly disagree. With the political discord pre-election, I think we all need to come together and agree that the fair is the best thing since sliced bread, or at least sculpted butter cow. These are my top twelve reasons why the Iowa State Fair is above scrutiny.

Why I Love the Iowa State Fair

1. Deep fat fried everything: I eat healthy, I do. But sometimes there is nothing better than double fisting a corn dog and turkey leg while balancing a craft beer in my cleavage. It is the Olympics of debauchery, the triathlon of gluttony, the menu of the masses. And at least once a year, I happily partake.

2. For farm kids, milking a cow is a chore. For my city child, tugging on a bovine teet is better than Pokemon Go. "Look mom, I caught a milk Pokestream!"

3. The butter cow is the impetus of cool. If you want to know what is hip in the world right now, just look to the carved holy grail of butter. Elvis, A Walk on the Moon, Star Trek. The butter cow is what's trending. #hipsterbuttercowisdabomb

4. Yodeling Contests: I grew up watching The Sound of Music and was taught that culturally there is nothing more brilliant than yodeling puppet goats. I still abide by this and am comforted that every year my childhood is relived. The hills are alive with the sound of yodeling puppet goats! Ahhh aahhh aahhh aahh!

5. Giant boar testicles: Don't pretend you're above looking. They are magnificent. And giant. Every year, my sister and I speculate on how much they weigh. Fifteen pounds, twenty? It's just good Iowa fun. This year, I'm sneaking my mom's Weight Watcher's scale in to see for myself!

6. Quilts: Actually I hate the quilt exhibit, but my mother has dragged me through it for the last 39 years that I almost look forward to it, like a pap smear or low carb diet. Oh interesting. A square of fabric combined with other squares. Look how they come together to produce even more boredom.

7. Photography exhibit: If you take a black and white picture of your feet or tattooed, toothless Carnie, you will win first prize. That is all you need to know.

8. The doll houses: When I was a girl this exhibit was my mecca. My parents would drag me out of there, while I dramatically screamed, "No more tiny wire hangers!"

9. People watching: I love the tube tops, the short shorts, the cowboy hats and people from all walks of life. From the beer tent to Snakes Alive, it is nice to know that there is still a place in the world where you can show a little too much skin and careen down a big yellow slide on a potato sack with your entire family while completely drunk and nobody judges you.

10. The bands: From Kiss to Garth Brooks and Here Come the Mummies,nobody cares what music is playing as long as it's loud.

11. Parking: If you have a Confederate Flag in your yard I will not pay $15 to park there, but I will pet your mangy dog and say hi to your naked children. 'Merica!

12. The DNR building: The fish and wildlife and super hot DNR officers. Why yes, I do have a license to fish…and hunt. Meow!