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The Definite Ranking Of All The Relationships In Valentine's Day

Yes, this movie sucks. But you'll probably still end up watching it this festive season, whether you want to or not.

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8. Edgar & Estelle

OK, while the problems that Edgar (Héctor Elizondo) and Estelle (Shirley MacLaine) are facing -- admitting to an age old affair after years of wracking guilt -- are realistic, it's all just a bit of a snooze fest. Although they do give great sex advice to Emma Roberts' character.
Warner Bros

OK, while the problems that Edgar (Héctor Elizondo) and Estelle (Shirley MacLaine) are facing -- admitting to an age old affair after years of wracking guilt -- are realistic, it's all just a bit of a snooze fest.

Although they do give great sex advice to Emma Roberts' character.

7. Liz & Jason

Jason has a problem with Liz being a phone sex operator to pay off her college debts, and I have a problem with him having a problem. A sister's gotta do what a sister's gotta do. Furthermore, the stupid accents she puts on to be a dominatrix are pretty naff.
Warner Bros

Jason has a problem with Liz being a phone sex operator to pay off her college debts, and I have a problem with him having a problem. A sister's gotta do what a sister's gotta do.

Furthermore, the stupid accents she puts on to be a dominatrix are pretty naff.

6. Felicia & Willy

Taylor x Taylor are an adorable couple, sure, but they are very annoying. And frankly a bit pointless.
Warner Bros

Taylor x Taylor are an adorable couple, sure, but they are very annoying. And frankly a bit pointless.

5. Grace & Alex

Now here is a teen couple we can get behind. The song Alex writes for Grace (before being rudely interrupted), is pretty cute, and she has many wise but realistic thoughts on teen sex.
Warner Bros

Now here is a teen couple we can get behind. The song Alex writes for Grace (before being rudely interrupted), is pretty cute, and she has many wise but realistic thoughts on teen sex.

4. Morely/Reed/Julia/Harrison

This love square really is the basis for this whole film. Since Jessica Alba and Ashton Kutcher are such insufferable people who take such vapid roles, it would have been better if their characters had ended up together. That said, I suppose it's nice that Julia (Jennifer Garner) ends up with the flower man and not the adulterer doctor (Patrick Dempsey).
Warner Bros

This love square really is the basis for this whole film. Since Jessica Alba and Ashton Kutcher are such insufferable people who take such vapid roles, it would have been better if their characters had ended up together.

That said, I suppose it's nice that Julia (Jennifer Garner) ends up with the flower man and not the adulterer doctor (Patrick Dempsey).

3. Kara & Kelvin

Kara (Jessica Biel) and Kelvin (Jamie Foxx) are definitely the most attractive couple in the whole film, AND they seem like they're actually good fun, unlike the rest of the moaners.Most importantly, he restores her faith in romance.
Warner Bros

Kara (Jessica Biel) and Kelvin (Jamie Foxx) are definitely the most attractive couple in the whole film, AND they seem like they're actually good fun, unlike the rest of the moaners.

Most importantly, he restores her faith in romance.

2. Kate & Edison

It turns out all along that Kate (Julia Roberts) wasn't flying home from her army base to see her boyfriend, but her SON! Oh, the feels.
Warner Bros

It turns out all along that Kate (Julia Roberts) wasn't flying home from her army base to see her boyfriend, but her SON! Oh, the feels.

1. Holden & Sean

The biggest curveball of the film; it turns out that Holden (Bradley Cooper) and Sean (Eric Dane) are a couple.Watching Bradley Cooper stroke McSteamy's head is magical.
Warner Bros

The biggest curveball of the film; it turns out that Holden (Bradley Cooper) and Sean (Eric Dane) are a couple.

Watching Bradley Cooper stroke McSteamy's head is magical.

Now go forth....

Giphy

....and watch this movie. Happy Valentine's Day!

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