14 Quite Anxious Thoughts Women Have While Performing Cunnilingus

Let's get *down* to business. (Cough)

1. Where am I?

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Fairly sure I took a left at the labia minora, then a couple of rights...OK, now I'm just lost. It's dark and it's bumpy and I'm starting to panic. Should've left a trail of breadcrumbs. What's that? HELP ME.

2. Can't. Breathe.

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Now that you mention it, I AM starting to feel lightheaded. Probably shouldn't do a big gasp. Do you actually need oxygen to survive? Also, why is it so humid down here? It's like a greenhouse. A really sexy greenhouse. Now I want a tomato.

3. Quite a bush you've got there...

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This is not the painfully-waxed landing strip I was expecting. This is a sideways Brian Blessed. "I'M BRIAN BLESSED", booms sideways Brian Blessed. Also, this is big. This is a lot of undergrowth. If I do manage to machete my way through this I will demand to be forever known as the Indiana Jones of pussy eating.

4. Ouch.

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Oh, I didn't get a Brian Blessed, I got a stubbly Bradley Cooper. Hello, friction. Hello, itchy-scratchy sandpaper facial scrub. Is this what it's like to lick a pumice stone? This is how fires start. Maybe this is how fire was discovered. If I carry on much longer it's going to start looking like I put lipstick on in the dark. They will call me Clown Face and they will be right.

5. Double ouch.

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This is taking a while to get going, isn't it? Must be the booze. Maybe she's on antidepressants. Can't think about that right now BECAUSE MY TONGUE IS ACHING SO MUCH. Mustn't blame myself. After all, under which other circumstances does the tongue ever have to do this much work? Oooh, speaking and sloshing food about. Big deal. Face it, Tongue, you're a lazy bastard. What's that, Tongue?: "I'm tired, can't you just outsource this to The Fingers?". No. No I can't. I've committed to this and you are just going to have to see it through. Cramp or no cramp.

6. Who was the first person to do this?

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Let's assume we're talking caveman times. Is that the Stone Age? Whatever, it was pre-pantyliner. So, some cave folk are having brutish Stone Age sex, and suddenly Ug (that's the dude) is like, "You know what I'm going to do? That place where all the wee and blood and babies comes out – I'm totally going to lick it." Unlikely. We all know, deep down, that cunnilingus was invented by cave lesbians. And before hygiene was invented. Must've been like poking your tongue into a 17-year-old Ginsters pasty. Yummy.

7. Should I do the alphabet thing?

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That advice that says you should write out the alphabet (with your tongue) all over your girl's junk - was that, like, based on anything? Let's assume so. OK. Aaaaa. Bbb.....CDEF...WX...Oh what is my life? I am struggling to draw the letter Y on a vulva, with a pen that's actually a tongue.

8. Stop EVERYTHING. I've swallowed a pube.

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And yet I can't make that "CHHHHCHHHKK" sound like I'm choking on a bayleaf, because something tells me that might just kill the mood a bit. Right. Well then, no options remain but to just carry on and pretend nothing happened. Will sneak off to the bathroom later and pray to God that the sneaky curly bugger hasn't wound its way around my....what's it called? Not vulva... Uvula. That's it.

9. What became of Ricki Lake?

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She was great, wasn't she? The John Waters films, the talk show. Ahhhhh, the Nineties. I wonder what Ricki Lake is doing RIGHT NOW. "Go Ricki! Go Ricki! Go Ricki!"

Hey. In case you've forgotten, you're in the middle of eating someone out. Stop playing the Ricki Lake theme tune in your head and bloody well focus on the task at hand. Or at tongue. Shut up.

10. Am I actually any good at this?

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Yes I know I'm a woman and have the same equipment and, yes, we lesbians are supposed to be great at using any kind of equipment. And obviously I'd put money on us being better at it than most men, but do I REALLY know what I'm doing? I mean, the whole area is a bit Bermuda Triangle. I've already got lost once. What if I'm crap at this? How would I even know? Is she just pulling my hair and moaning out of politeness? WAS ALL THIS EFFORT FOR NOTHING? I need cake.

11. Is she asleep?

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Well, she hasn't made a sound in a while. She's either bored or asleep. Should I try to wake her up? Would that be rude? Shit, maybe she's dead. Maybe I'm so good at this that I killed her. Yeah, I'm going with that one.

12. Hey, I can see your anus from here!

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Is it OK to stare? You don't get to see that many anuses, right? It's quite educational in a way. I ask this, though: now that I've looked her in the anus how will I ever be able to look her in the eye?

13. Who opened the floodgates?

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This is JUST like that thing called a hagfish that spews slime everywhere when it's provoked. Oh my god there is so much goo. Oh it's everywhere. All the goo. This must mean I'm amazing at this. It's the adult equivalent of an A*. My certificate surely awaits.

14. Honestly though, am I having fun?

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OK, despite the carpet burn, the dead tongue and the sore neck, I have to admit giving lady head is totally worth it. Why are so many people weird about it? Why am I so weird about it? What could be more fulfilling than pleasuring someone with your face? Nothing, that's what. Screw you, Michael Douglas.