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This Is What A Year Without Sex Is Like

Because we've all suffered a dry spell, right?

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OK, slow start to the year. That's fine though, I still have 11 more months. And hey, I'm not terrible looking. It's not as if I'm going to go a year without sex, or something. Right? Right??


30 Rock / NBC

Oh, cool. It's Valentine's Day. I hadn't noticed because I was too busy organising all of my bookmarked porn into something I've invented, called a Manageable Arousal System. Plus, if you have sex today, you let Hallmark win. Did you know that they make their Valentine's cards from the ground-up skulls of people who died alone?



Flickr: roland / Via Creative Commons

I’ve never noticed just how sexy everyone is. In fact, same goes for everything. Butter is sexy. Norway is sexy. I wonder how many Norwegians are having sex right now. Is it just me, or does that cloud completely look like two Norwegians bumping junk?




Right now, this very second, some of the world’s most awful people are getting laid. If I listen carefully enough, I can practically hear bed springs squeaking in the Kremlin as Vladimir Putin has big, Russian sex.


Universal Pictures / Via

Am I actually cursed? Is this like Drag Me to Hell, but instead of getting dragged to Hell, I get dragged to never having sex again? Have I refused a loan to any offensive gypsy stereotypes recently?


WPA Pool / Pool

Nights are getting longer. It's dark. It's cold. Can you hear that? It's the sound of sex not happening. Or it might just be the wind. The cruel, icy wind. I would fuck George Osborne.