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This Is What A Year Without Sex Is Like

Because we've all suffered a dry spell, right?

Getty Images/iStockphoto Tiramisu Art Studio


OK, slow start to the year. That's fine though, I still have 11 more months. And hey, I'm not terrible looking. It's not as if I'm going to go a year without sex, or something. Right? Right??


30 Rock / NBC

Oh, cool. It's Valentine's Day. I hadn't noticed because I was too busy organising all of my bookmarked porn into something I've invented, called a Manageable Arousal System. Plus, if you have sex today, you let Hallmark win. Did you know that they make their Valentine's cards from the ground-up skulls of people who died alone?


Flickr / Via Flickr: user

You know what? This not having sex thing is actually really easy. I’m fine. Everything is fine. No, honestly. Really. Please stop asking me if I'm OK.


Flickr: roland / Via Creative Commons

I’ve never noticed just how sexy everyone is. In fact, same goes for everything. Butter is sexy. Norway is sexy. I wonder how many Norwegians are having sex right now. Is it just me, or does that cloud completely look like two Norwegians bumping junk?


Flickr: angeloangelo / Via Creative Commons

You know what’s way better than sex? Carbs. No one ever got herpes off a loaf of Hovis. I’ve baked 17 cheesecakes in the past 48 hours.



Oh hey, Tinder. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but… you look great. Seriously, have you been doing Bikram yoga or something?


Tinder, you should change your name to "Let's Match and Never Message Each Other." I think we should see other people.



Right now, this very second, some of the world’s most awful people are getting laid. If I listen carefully enough, I can practically hear bed springs squeaking in the Kremlin as Vladimir Putin has big, Russian sex.


Universal Pictures / Via

Am I actually cursed? Is this like Drag Me to Hell, but instead of getting dragged to Hell, I get dragged to never having sex again? Have I refused a loan to any offensive gypsy stereotypes recently?


FOX / Via

If I went into my room and Dr Zoidberg was on my bed, all splayed out and ready for action, I’d probably just shrug and get involved.


WPA Pool / Pool

Nights are getting longer. It's dark. It's cold. Can you hear that? It's the sound of sex not happening. Or it might just be the wind. The cruel, icy wind. I would fuck George Osborne.


Frankly, well done, me. I've made it. I clearly missed my calling as a nun or Morrissey. Here's to a sex-filled new year. Please. For the love of all that's holy. Just hope I still know what goes where...

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