Hi, my name is Leni, and I identify as asexual biromantic.
This means that I would happily date anyone of any gender, but that I don't feel sexual attraction. There is a spectrum of asexuality, and everyone identifies differently, but me - I would never have sex, not with anyone, not ever.
When I was in grade five, my favourite TV show was Glee. I loved it, watched every episode as it came out. My favourite character was Kurt Hummel, the loveable gay settles-for-nothing-and-no-one diva who was totally obsessed with Darren Criss' character Blaine, the cute, welcoming and incredibly talented head of the rival show choir team.
At this point in my life, shows like Glee, shows that actually showcased LGBT+ characters in a 'positive' light, were the only information that I had about the community. I didn't know that there were any other identities than 'gay' and 'straight'.
I had been confused for a long time, until this point. I knew I liked boys, I always had. But I also knew that there was no doubt that I also liked girls (shout out to Kim Possible and Hermione Granger). When I learnt that bisexuality was a thing, it was a really big deal for me. I suddenly understood how I fit in, and it was a relief, to learn that there were other people like me.
And then there came that fatal episode of Glee, where Blaine got drunk, kissed Rachel, and thought that maybe he was bi. On bringing this up to Kurt, Kurt said this – "bisexual is a word gay men use when they want to hold hands with a girl and feel normal". This is a quote that I didn't have to look up as I think I'll always remember it, because it had such a profound effect on me. I was told by someone that I legitimately looked up to that my feelings were totally invalid, and that this was just how it was. That I wasn't real.
Looking back on Glee with the perspective and knowledge that I have today, it was really problematic in a lot of ways, not just in its approach to bisexuality. But that's not the point. The point is that TV, movies and other media have an incredible influence on young people. Representation really does matter. And yes, it is getting better. But not in any way that matters, and not enough, not yet.
Flash forward to two years ago, and I was comfortable in my bisexuality. I hadn't exactly 'come out' – I saw that as my way of protesting against heteronormativity. I still do – I shouldn't have to 'come out' as anything, being straight shouldn't be seen as synonymous as being normal. But there was still stuff that I didn't understand. When my friends said things like "I'd go there", "I'd screw them", "I'd bang them", I would nod along, smile, and laugh, but I didn't actually know what that mean. It was something that wasn't even on my radar.
And so one day last year, I got sick of it, and actually did some research. Stumbling across the term 'asexual' was a revelation. Don't tell me that "we don't need labels". Labelling myself helped me to realise who I was. The media, pop culture, even the books we study in English and lit, tell the world that sex is the core of every relationship, necessary, unavoidable. I dreaded ever dating someone because of the expectation that eventually, sex would be a necessity. This label, and learning that there are others who label themselves the same way, it explained everything. I no longer felt 'wrong', I no longer felt 'broken', I finally understood.
I don't try to hide my finally realised sexuality. I still don't believe that I should have to come out, but if anyone asks, I will gladly tell them, and explain what exactly it means. Within my year level, we have a small community of those who identify as queer, and we're all reasonably close. These people understood immediately, when I gave them the term asexual, and welcomed me. But that is rare.
Within the wider community, I've had some memorable reactions. The most common those who either call me a plant or tell me "you just haven't met the right person" or "you'll understand when you're older". On other occasions, I've been called 'broken', 'prudish', 'frigid', been asked who hurt me, and most memorably, laughed at by one of my closest friends, who assumed I was joking. People just don't get it, and I guess I've become used to that. It's just not a thing that is publicized, or by many, even known to exist. And how can anyone accept something they don't know exists?
This issue doesn't fall on one person, it falls on society as a whole. The answer to this is education, and support. If we can educate the younger generations on the various colourful identities available to them, then they grow up feeling valid, and not have the experience that I have had.
About a month ago, in an issue of Archie comics, the character Jughead was labelled as asexual. This was an incredible moment for me. I grew up on these comics, and have followed them from around the age of 5. It was the first time that I have ever seen asexuality mentioned, let alone validated, by the mainstream media. It meant more to me than I can actually put into words.
Like I said, as far as I can see, education is the solution here. Four years of sex ed at my school taught me nothing - I don't think any teachers ever mentioned the existence of LGBT+ people at all, let alone discussed it. If this is the only time that I, someone who actively seeks out ace characters in the media, encountered it, then clearly representation needs to be greater. Four years of sex ed at my school taught me nothing - I don't think any teachers ever mentioned the existence of LGBT+ people at all, let alone actually discussing us or our issues. If the mainstream won't do this themselves, then this responsibility is left to us. Do not allow yourself to be silenced. Do not allow those less prominent sexual and romantic identities to be forgotten.
I want to be clear - I don't deign to be any sort of expert here. I know there are people whose experiences make mine seem like nothing. The world can be unforgiving, especially for those who are seen as 'different'. I'm just one girl of many, who just wants to feel validated by those she looks up to.
To any other queer people reading this – I love you. You are real. You are valid. You are important. One day, others will recognize this too.
Share This Article
