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What Kind of Cocoon Will You Enter When It’s Time For Your Cocoon Stage?

Have you ever wondered when all this human madness will come together as a shapeless goo in a cocoon? Here's your chance to find out for yourself!

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  1. Q: How would you rate your current mood?

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    As disappointed as a caterpillar when it becomes a rather dull, ugly butterfly
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    Depressed, since I know I’ll die only a few weeks after reproducing
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    Elated to feel the buzz signaling the start of my cocoon stage after all these years
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    Average
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    Cautiously optimistic as I select a tree for my cocoon
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    Miserable
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    Generally uncomfortable everywhere I go, which may mean it’s time to transform
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    Scared, I feel like I’m barely hanging on
  2. Which musical genre is your favorite?

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    Rock n roll
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    Pop
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    The beautiful sound of nature
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    Ambient
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    Alternative
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    Electric Eclectic
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    Tyra Banks
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    I don’t listen to music since I can’t hear anything through the walls of my cocoon
  3. Give it a guess – when do you expect to slowly shift from being a human into a shapeless mass hibernating inside a cocoon?

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    Any day now
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    I don't even want to become a cocoon; I like the way I am
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    A few years down the road
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    Never
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    Maybe in twenty years after I’ve got my life figured out. First I need to get a job at a prestigious company so I can go to Harvard grad school, then marry into a wealthy family and have several children. It’s important to have a stable partner so my kids
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    I’ve already been a cocoon. There’s no hope for me ☹
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    A few weeks
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    What are you talking about? People don’t actually become cocoon… right? (Wrong)
  4. What kind of being do you expect to be reborn as when your cocoon stage is over?

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    An improved version of my previous human self
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    A butterfly
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    The ghost of a child of indeterminate gender named Leslie (R.I.P.)
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    A much older version of myself due to time dilation
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    Back to being a caterpillar thanks to the wonders of reverse osmosis
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    Same as before
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    Blair Waldorf
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    That's for Nancy Drew to figure out
  5. Which of these mental images stimulate you?

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    Thousands of eggs hatching into an array of dinosaurs
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    Floating through space in an enormous air tight cocoon
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    Pouring rain fertilizing plants and trees
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    Watching Magic Mike XXL
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    Making a useless app that earns me billions of dollars
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    Saving the rainforest
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    Planting myself firmly into a new home
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    Wrapping a present
  6. Which celebrity would you most want to bud with you?

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    Donald Trump – he could buy me a huge tree and dehumidifier
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    Nicki Minaj – we could have a whole dance party while we hibernate
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    Channing Tatum – recently labelled “America’s favorite bro”
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    Jeff Bezos – thanks to his “motivational” work culture I’ll go through my phase faster than ever even if it costs me my sanity
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    Taylor Swift – You belong with me
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    Zendaya – she’s a real Monarch
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    Christian Bale- He could inspire me to transform my image
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    Harry Styles – There’s probably another cocoon buried in his hair that could keep me company
  7. Which of these actions most resonates with you?

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    Sending myself an email and then being excited to check my phone when it buzzes from receiving said email
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    Writing long, dreary letters to my future, post-cocoon self
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    Painting myself green to try and imagine what life will eventually be like
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    Sitting in a park in Paris, France, reading the news and it sure looks bad
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    Watching Gossip Girl and dreaming about Blair Waldorf
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    Avoiding people on 7th avenue
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    Playing shooter video games like CS:GO for hours on end
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    Using “ethics in gaming journalism” as my excuse for hating women
  8. What are you trying to escape from by becoming a cocoon?

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    The nagging pressures of human society
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    Kindergarten
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    Remembering my goth phase
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    My debt
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    Firefighters. Preserve our forests!
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    Count Olaf
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    -Pennies (straight white cis men, referred to as pennies because there are so many of them and they’re worthless) (no offense to any pennies reading this)
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    My family
  9. Where is the ideal place for you to become a cocoon?

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    Underwater
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    In a giant forest where I can blend in
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    In a Ziploc bag
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    As part of one of those “grow a butterfly” kits
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    As a prop on a T.V. show
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    Under my bed with all my friends
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    On the top of the Chrysler Building
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    Here in my car, where I’m safest of all
  10. What changes do you want to see in society by the time you emerge?

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    A new leaf in the Middle East
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    The discovery of Atlantis
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    Greater access to reproductive rights and healthcare
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    Much needed protection for transgender individuals
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    Another Bush in the White House
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    Less access to reproductive rights and healthcare
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    Another Clinton in the White House
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    Another Caterpillar in the White House
  11. Final Question: Which texture is your favorite?

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    Rich velvet
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    Stretch velvet
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    Velour
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    Crushed velvet
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    Red velvet
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    Inside out velvet
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    Wet velvet
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    Blue velvet
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