1. Mark would work in IT recruitment and once people found out what he did, no one would ever ask him another question about it.
2. On 'dress down Fridays' at the office Mark would toy with wearing Chelsea boots but would always stick with black leather lace ups.
3. He would never give to anyone's 'Just Giving' page regarding them as "improper vanity projects for people who follow Caitlin Moran on twitter".
4. Jeremy would be on Tinder, Happn and Grindr because, as he often likes to say, "everyone's gay now".
5. His twitter handle would be @jezzbucket.
6. He'd follow Toni on twitter but she wouldn't follow back.
7. Eventually she'd block him after he tweeted her that picture of Ian Botham's penis claiming it was his.
8. Mark would try Tinder but his profile picture would simply be a photo of the front cover of Charles Moore's biography of Margaret Thatcher (vol. 1).
9. But he'd be too nervous to swipe left or right and would claim that it gave him thumb cramps and never go on it.
10. Super Hans would have a beard that he'd refer to as his "thatch", or his "weave" or "Trevor".
11. He'd sometimes be able to make a rollie out of the detritus nestling in it.
12. He'd be critically addicted to gluten and bikram yoga.
13. He once had to get Jez to fetch him after a session because he was so dehydrated he thought he had seen Jeremy Paxman eating a Twix with his feet.
14. His and Jeremy's band would be called 'Martin Clunes' salty quinoa'.
15. Sophie would have a Pinterest account with only 37 followers because she mostly posts pictures of different shades of granite.
16. Her first date with Mark would have been to a craft beer and soup tasting in Tooting.
17. But then Jeff would crash and take her to Nandos and Uber it back to his.
18. Mark and Jeremy would spend most weekends watching entire series on Netflix.
19. Mark would like House of Cards but would think it was a brash inferior copy of the original.
20. His favourite thing to say whenever anyone asked if he thought it was good would be "you might think that, I could, and will, comment".
21. Daryl would attempt to rope Mark into shitting in paper bag to leave on Sue Perkins' doorstep in protest of her possible stewardship of Top Gear.
22. Alan Johnson would have an Apple Watch that he would press quite hard against Mark's face as motivation.
23. Mark would be a little frightened but also slightly turned on by this.
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