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7.00am: Tried to eat an antique snuff box but dad went mental so I just lobbed it at the cat.
8.00am: Puked all over myself after breakfast. Mum called me stinky so I puked on her new Brora pashmina as well. Burn.
9.00am: A portrait of George IV literally scared the shit out of me. That fucker was fat.
10.00am: Cried for 20 minutes because I tried to contemplate how old great grandmama is and realised she's lived longer than my concept of time currently allows.
11.00am: Busted dad trying to comb his hair over the bald patch on top of his head. He pretended I hadn't seen but we both know I had.
12.00pm: Granny and grandpa (not the common ones) came round. Grandpa wouldn't stop banging on about some very diluted substance that he said would cure my bum rash. Dubious.
1.00pm: Went to sleep and when I woke up Mum called me her little prince. I found it to be a little too sickly sweet for my taste, if factually accurate. Could murder a rusk.
2.00pm: Went round to great grandmama's little place in Pimlico (Boom!). She smelt like lavender and talc.
3.00pm: Great grandpapa made some comment while we were watching Rastamouse that made mum and dad go very quiet. Then he farted.
4.00pm: Mum put Lottie to bed after yet another hard day of shitting and crying. Lottie that is, not mum.
5.00pm: Uncle Haz called from Australia or somewhere. Sounded rinsed. Kept saying he would "Game of Thrones my ass" and calling me a "kumquat".
6.00pm: Threw a tantrum when Dad tried to put me to bed. Pretended I could hear the ghosts of the Princes in the Tower. He didn't get the reference.
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