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16 Pieces Of Hard Evidence Andy Samberg's Face Is A Lie

What's the Brooklyn Nine-Nine star hiding? The answer may scare the pants off of you.

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BREAKING NEWS

An ongoing investigation claims Brooklyn Nine-Nine actor Andy Samberg has a rare condition in which his face does not have skin, but a “soft and malleable consistency,” not unlike Silly Putty.

The unexplainable disease has caused excess stress in Samberg’s personal life. Sources indicate he is constantly fleeing mad scientists and evil doers who wish to recreate his condition.

Although the Emmy winning actor and comedian has attempted many methods of controlling his ailment, sources say the most successful remedy requires applying pounds of glue multiple times a day.

This caused Samberg to adopt a more private lifestyle. When asked to comment, close friend and fellow Saturday Night Live alum Fred Armisen said Samberg’s dressing room “had six deadbolts and remained locked at all times. [Samberg] never let anyone inside without a signed slip from Late Night Overlord Lorne Michaels.”

It is even suspected this malady prompted Samberg’s exit from Saturday Night Live in favor of the pre-taped sitcom Brooklyn Nine-Nine. SNL makeup artists claim the burden of “transforming a monster into a man” multiple times a night was slowly bankrupting the 40-year-old program.

Fellow Brooklyn Nine-Nine actor Melissa Fumero recently stated that Samberg’s face is a frequent problem on set. She revealed Samberg has threatened fellow cast members with harassment suits on more than one occasion and has subsequently earned the nickname “Big Ugly Baby,” or "Bub" for short.

UPDATE: BUZZFEED EXCLUSIVE

A recently leaked photo of Andy Samberg and Brooklyn Nine-Nine co-star Terry Crews is leading authorities to suspect Samberg’s condition may be contagious. Both actors are now quarantined in an undisclosed location; however inside sources tell us it is deep underground, possibly near the Earth’s core. Stay tuned for more updates!

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