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The Story Of Passover, As Told By Kittens

The purrfect way to tell the Exodus story.

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A long time ago, the Jews were slaves in Egypt, building pyramids and sweating for the man.

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That man was Pharaoh. He was the Hitler of biblical times.

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One day, Pharaoh’s sorcerers had a vision. “A baby Hebrew is coming to free all the Jews!

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Pharaoh was not chill. He licked himself and said “Yo everyone! New babysitting policy! Throw all the babies in the Nile River.”

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Life continued to suck. One day, a Jewess named Yocheved, birthed a baby. She floated him down the Nile in a basket, all Etsy like.

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He was scooped up by the Egyptians, nicknamed Moses and raised in the palace.

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Eventually, Moses realized his destiny. One day, he saw a Heeb-bro getting attacked, and killed an Egyptian.

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He ran off (super emo) and spent many years wandering in the desert. His own solo Burning Man.

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One day, (maybe tripping on mushrooms) he found a bush on fire, and heard a booming voice. God said, “Yo Mo, it’s time to let our people go! So go tell Pharaoh!"

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Moses replied “Sup G. I dig your rhymes. I’m going back to Egypt.” KIT.

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“Let My People Go!” he said. Pharaoh laughed in his face. “There’s seriously no way I’m letting you do that.”

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So the Holy Roller team ordered plagues to rain down from the sky.

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Like Blood, Frogs, Lice, Pestilence, Wild Animals.

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Skin Boils. Killer Hail. Locusts. Darkness. Death of the First Born.

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The last one was the straw that broke the kitten’s back. Pharaoh said, “You’re the worst party guests ever! Get out now, you jerks!”

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In the rush to leave, the Hebrews ate matzah. Flat, unleavened bread that tastes as bad as it looks.

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Except matzah pizza. That stuff’s gold.

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Then Pharaoh changed his mind. “Wait! Who’s gonna build me pyramids, do my taxes and tell me witty Jewish jokes?”

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So he chased after them, all pissed off and shit.

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The Jews stood at the Red Sea. Trapped between water and thousands of warriors, Jewish anxiety kicked in. They freaked the F out.

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So Moses raised his hands, put his wooden staff in the Sea, and parted the waters.

The Hebrews made it across. Pharaoh’s chariots ran after them.

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This was obviously a huge mistake.

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The Egyptians didn't make it out.

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The Jews could only wave, sing a song, and celebrate their freedom.

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Today, Jews retell this story over soup, brisket, and super sweet wine at the Passover Seder. It's a long, long dinner. Merry exodus, bitches!

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