If you haven't already been made aware, Furbys have returned! I never had a Furby when they were cool half my lifetime ago (which makes me feel old), and I feel that now is the time. One of my co-workers wants to get one as well, so as long as I'm not the only twenty-something rocking a Furby as a companion, it's all good, right? That makes it socially acceptable? Yes?
1. The joy of hand-knitted scarves.
Yes, I will make my Furby a scarf. It will even have fringe on it. Because every Furby needs to feel loved, at least temporarily. Also, it might increase the Cute factor while simultaneously reducing the I Will Murder You While You Sleep vibe. Murderers don't wear scarves. Its pure science.
2. Working in customer service.
My Furby, who shall henceforth be named Charlie, will not be a dick. He shall work with me in retail and learn how to be kindly and to adopt a 'customer service voice'. He will likely use that voice at inappropriate moments. Like in the middle of the night when he somehow ends up in my tshirt drawer.
3. Victorian Insults.
I suppose I could teach my Furby to swear, but it would be WAY more fun to teach it outdated insults. The Furbster will be renowned for his ability to put other critters in their place by calling them "heathens" "trollops" and "idle headed miscreants".
4. A high speed chase.
The plan is to drop my Furby into my remote control Barbie Ferrari and drive it around the vicinity of my house. In hot pursuit will be my sister's Barbie Ferrari. Or a cat. Probably the latter. I will ensure that there is appropriate car chase music on in the background. Setting the scene is key.
5. Capes.
I think it would be super fun to introduce little furbledoodledandy to the world of capes, and subsequently of swooping while wearing a cape. Imagine a tiny little caped Furby? How cute would that be? So cute. And then when it eventually takes over the world, we'll all look back on that cape swooping incident and be like "OHHH it all makes sense now!"
6. Ryan Gosling.
It would just be cruel to deprive a Furby of the glory that is Ryan, given how short of a life span I'm anticipating it having. Together, Furby and I will watch ALL the Ryan Gosling movies, and I will teach it to recite the most important "Hey Girl" quotes. CULTURE.
7. FEAR.
Mostly I just want to know the range of emotions that Furbys are capable of experiencing, but there is also an important unanswered question: WHAT DOES A FURBY SCREAM SOUND LIKE?! No one knows, and I fully intend to find out. By scaring Charlie. Daily.
8. Call Me Maybe.
I wish to gather a chorus of Furbi (Furbys? Furbuses? Furbatem?) to sing the super annoying Carly Rae Jepsen tune, because as far as I can tell, this is about the only viral video which hasn't been made. If you steal my idea...I will find you.
9. Tone deafness.
I am going to serenade Charlie daily, and force him to compliment me on my beautiful (re: hideous and dying-cat-like) singing voice. I will encourage encores, and then pretend like I don't know how horrible my singing is.
10. The element of surprise.
I'm going to hide Charlie in various locations around the house and teach him to yell "SUPPLIES" at people who come across him. Its funnier when its 'supplies' because he's a Furby and he doesn't have a brain. I'm hoping the combination of these factors will garner both alarm and amusement. Mostly amusement, and on my behalf.
YOU'RE ALL WELCOME IN ADVANCE.
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