1. "I always thought by this point in my life I'd be the one making the crank calls."
2. "Lets face it, comedy's a dead art form. Now tragedy! That's funny."
3. "With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun!"
4. "You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you."
5. "You've gone from crazy like a fox to crazy like Fox News."
6. "The only lies worth believing are the ones in the Bible."
7. "They're like sex, except I'm having it!"
8. "Oh my god! I'm a millionaire! Suddenly, I have an opinion on the capital gains tax!"
9. "We have nothing to fear but running out of beer."
10. "All this prolonged exposure to radiation is making me thirsty."
11. "Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!"
12. "Hooray! A happy ending for the rich people."
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